Live For Real

 Dusting off this old thing once again. There's lots to say here.  Lots to get out.  This blog has always helped me with that a little.  

I have journaled pretty consistently since about 5th grade.  And now I am 38.   I have boxes of old journals.  Somehow, this 'open to the world' space has allowed me to release thoughts and feelings in a very similar way as those pages in journals.  It's a little more guarded knowing someone might read it. Someone I might even know.  Yikes. I have to be careful. Use the words Fuck and Shit a lot less.  Season my speech here for whatever sweet person is reading this. Season it to continue to make people think I am ok, when in reality there are a lot of times lately when I am SUPER NOT OK!  Like, here's your sign! I am not OK! I NEED a space where I can SAY things. I can post things without judgement.  I hope this is the place.  There are sometimes things I would like to post on socials that I just WON'T because I don't want the confrontation.  Here, I might do it.

I'd like to tell you I am sitting down here this evening next to candle light with a hot cup of tea, listening to gentle music. Feeling totally mentally healthy and put together.  That I took care of myself well today.  Here'e the truth...I have had a shot of tequila, am drinking a Corona Light and am listening to classic rock.   And I am not mad about it.  If you would like to hear some real talk, continue reading.  If you would like to think Katie Mac has it all together, stop here and continue to live in that world.  😜 

Looking back to my previous post...end of 2020.  Random and few reflections over the year.  While December 2020 was not that long ago, if feels like YEARS since I wrote that.  And, here, six months into 2021, I am NOT the same person.  And there's no going back.   So, here I am trying to figure out how to live as this person I am now.  There's no looking back, because I am not going that way.  There is ONLY forward.  

This post is titled Live For Real.  Live For Real became my theme to live by as soon as the clock struck 12:00 a.m. on January 1, 2021.  I made a bracelet from vintage Christmas beads and cheap block letter beads from Hobby Lobby.  The bracelet says, "Live For Real".  It's real groovy.  And I wear it EVERY day.  (If you are curious what Christmas beads are...click HERE for an idea of what I am talking about.  Very cute and I love them.)

The original intention behind the theme was really to ACTUALLY live and not just imagine or dream of things I wanted to do.  But, to get out there and DO them.  Live.  Experience.  GO!!!  2020 was full of faces behind a computer screen, zoom meeings, virtual experiences.  It was, "I hope one day we can ______"  That is NOT my jam.  I need REAL experience.  REALLY saying the words you have dreamed of saying to THAT person!!!!!   REALLY going to visit my old childhood homes.  REALLY giving people hugs.  REALLY getting out in nature.  REALLY buying that four door Jeep or the El Camino I have always wanted.  REALLY REALLY doing it.  NOT just saying, "someday I should ______" . Fill in the blank. (I have LOTS of things in that blank) Anyway, that was my hope and dream for this year.  Don't hide.  Just live.  And Just DO. LIVE FOR REAL!  

Welp, that has taken many turns that I didn't expect.  I HAVE done the things I have wanted to do.  Not just talked about them.  Done them.  NOT all of them. I have FINALLY said some of the things I have wanted to say for years. Said them out loud.  I have been brave to face certain personal things.  Or brave enough to just walk into the unknown without all the ducks in a row first.  I still have six months left to see what this "live for real" is going to mean in my life. Some of the things I have wanted to do have led down paths of....welll...maybe some bad choices.  Some self destruction. Unhealthy both for body, mind and soul.  And some of the things I have done have done amazing things for my body, mind and soul.  Like, some of them have left me feeling that I am living on a cloud and that I can't imagine my heart being happier than it was at that moment.  I regret none of the "live for real" moments.  Both the bad ones and the good ones.   I am discovering a side of myself that I did NOT know was there.  And it has made me feel so free and also has made me into a person who can love and relate to others in a way and on a level I have never been.  Some of it may be unhealthy, yes.  But, I believe that it is still good. Or that it CAN be good.  

For the next couple weeks, I have decided to do my best to live and do the things I want/think of doing without feeling the need to post on social media or even let anyone know about it.  Cause, no one cares, David.  It IS summer, so that mostly means that those things will be done with my children.  There are places I have wanted to take them.  Adventures I have wanted to have.  Instead of seeing summer pass us by with fun ideas in my head, we are just gonna go do them. Try new places.  Drive a little further.  Spend a little more.  Get a little stressed maybe.  But, I am not going to let the unknowns of what to expect keep me from doing.  That goes for things with my kids and things that I want to do for myself.  This isn't even big things, y'all.  The little things.  The little things that you think of to do.  Just go do them. Stop letting the weeks, months, then YEARS pass by without doing that thing.  Or SAYING that thing.  Or BEING that person.  Now is the time.  Go LIVE FOR REAL!  I don't plan to stop doing that for what's left of this year.  Wonder WHO or WHERE I will be six months from now.  

Hopefully I will keep up with this.  Maybe I will use this space to document some of it.  I for sure should use this space to use words to decompress and process.  We'll see.  I seem to say this every time...

Before I go, as I said, I have ALWAYS been a journaler.  It's how I get my thoughts out to make sense.  The past few months I have pulled some of those journals out.  Looking back kinda has made me realize that, no, I am not crazy.  I have dealt with some of the same stuff that I did YEARS ago.  I wrote about it.  I tried to process it.  And here I am years later, still trying to process some of the same things.  It's a weird place, though.  Still trying to make sense of some things.  Things about my relationship with God and the church. Things about deep longings, loves and desires in my heart.  Like, WHY? Why even? What does some of this mean?  I do hope I find answers someday.  Where I see that lightbulb.  And the clarity eventually comes. Healing comes.  It's a weird place where I am at.  I have not been "here" ever.  Some of those journal entries I have not read since I wrote them.  Like, YEARS ago.  Yet, I still had the same thoughts now.  It's weird.  Hopefully I can figure it out. Then, I can write that ONE post or journal entry that is the golden nugget of all of my life's answers!