"I can't wait till the kids get older."
"I can't wait till Carter grows out of his super 'needy' stage."
"I can't wait till life's a little easier."
"I can't wait till Annabelle can..."
"I cant' wait until..."
All things I catch myself saying that are actually not true.
Today, I had about a million bags and lunchboxes hanging off of my arms, as I was pushing a stroller through the cold rain, and wrangling another child while saying, "please just keep walking". I saw a mom in the same parking lot who has two older children, like elementary age, and I said under my breath, "I can't wait till the kids are older". In moments where I am chasing both kids around the car, and loading them into the car while they are cranky, hungry and tired, I say that, too. When my arms are not only full of stuff, but also BOTH children, I say that. But, it's not true. I don't actually wish they were older. And i CAN wait until they are older. I love the stage that they are in, and really want to soak it all up. I don't want to rush life, and then miss it.
Carter has been a very 'needy' little boy. And for some reason, the times he needs me the most seem to be the times that I am busy. He tugs and my pant legs and pushes me away from the counter when I am in the kitchen. He follows me around the house crying when I am trying to get housework done. There have been times that I will hide around the corner in my own house just so he doesn't see me and realize he needs something. That sounds funny, but it's true. Some moments I feel like the demands of him, housework, Annabelle AND being a wife are just too much for one person to handle. My own needs and desires are always pushed aside, and that can be a little draining. In those moments, I say things that aren't true. Things like, "I can't wait till Carter grows out of this stage." As if, in that moment, it would be just so much easier. But, I DON'T wish him to grow out of this stage too fast. I know that someday I will look back and miss his extra hugs, his extra snuggles. I will miss that he needed me so so much.
Having young kids is a challenge in so many ways. But, I love those little whipper snappers so much. It's awesome watching little people grow up. As a mom who is with them, well, ALWAYS, it is a lot of pressure to make sure that they are growing up in a good way. That they are being molded and shaped into little people that will impact the world around them. The responsibility I feel every day to take care of them is more than I can bear sometimes. But, I feel that this is where God wants me to be. To understand that in my own strength, I can not love and raise those children. The Lord's strength is the ONLY thing that will get me through each day and each little moment every day. The moments when I lie to myself and wish that something was different. THOSE are the moments when I need to totally be drawing on the Holy Spirit to help me live the life He has given me. I get to unwrap new gifts from the Lord every day, and how rude of me to complain about those gifts, wishing they were bigger or better. I desire to live in a state of dependence and thankfulness to Him.
LOVE this song so much...
OH, and I am pregnant with my third sweet baby! More on that later. But, after watching that video again, I am just an emotional ball of tears. Will hold my sweet kiddos tight and giggle about these tears in a sec...