Let them be little

Let them be little



I often think about perspective, and how circumstances play a MAJOR part in perspectives. 

I read over Annabelle's story the other day, and it brought me right back to the feelings I had while she was being taken care of my nurses, and not me.  Then, I realized that because of what we went through the first week of her life, my perspective towards parenting has been different than what I expected it to be.  The first week of her life set a tone for the last two years.

 (She looks so helpless. Hard to believe it's the same girl)

While she was in the care of nurses, I envied them.  My heart ached that I could not take care of her, and spend the night with her.  I simply just wanted to even be the one to change her diapers.  Something so simple, that possibly other moms who "Go to Italy" take for granted.  I felt so guilty for not changing her diapers, when really things like that were out of our control.  There were moments in the NICU that were kind of like scheduled "care" times.  Where Craig and I were able to be there at just the right time, to change her, take her temperature, and put clothes on her.  Something so simple was so exciting for us.  Kinda funny to think back on that.

(Daddy getting her all dressed to go HOME)

It's kinda funny because I am still pretty jealous for her.  I like being her caretaker.  There have been so many times in the last two years that people have asked me what they can do to help, and sometimes, I want to be the one still to change her, or feed her or put her to bed.  Don't get me wrong, the nights where we have babysitters or I have someone helping with those simple things are nights and moments that i LOVE and cherish.  But, there is still a tiny bit of jealousy, and I miss her.  

(This picture makes me feel peace.  I remember the overwhelming sense of joy and peace I had to have her home and in my own arms)

I think I have had that first week on my mind a lot lately because of how SO CLOSE the time is to our first week with a son.  I asked God the other day to allow me to "go to Italy" this time around.  As thankful as I am that I was able to experience the heartache and tough times following Annabelle's birth, I still have that desire to have my baby, and everything be "normal". Whatever normal is.  I have prayed and prayed for the health of this little boy, and as the time nears for his arrival, I am even more on my knees.  I have an idea of how I want the whole day to go, and the days that follow to go.  But, as I think about the differences that his birth and Annabelle's birth will most likely have, I pray that I am still just as jealous to be his momma as I was for Annabelle.  I want my perspective towards parenting each of my children to be about the same, in that sense.   Does that make any sense?  

Anyways, I am getting anxious and excited for this time of life.  To have another baby to hold and love and get to know.  It's the craziest kind of love I have ever experienced, and I look forward to whatever God has in store for us. 


Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I was lucky enough to go to Holland, and would never ever ever change that experience for anything in the world.  ;)



 I love being a mom.  I was thinking today about how exhausting it is, and how easy it is to focus on how draining it is to be a mom, and it starts at conception.  Pregnancy drains you.  Right now, I feel like it drains every part of my being.  And, when they are born, it doesn't end there.  But, that's just the way it is.  Kids drain their parents.  BUT, I think it's neat the way God designed it, too, in the sense that they ALSO fill you up!  I love that my life is literally all about my family.  My life is all about pouring out for my children.  It's such a joy.  I have such a blast with Annabelle, and playing with her and loving on her gives me strength and energy to get through the draining moments.  The reward of one smile makes ten frowns and whines worth it.  The reward of the innocent and genuine giggle makes the lack of sleep worth it.  I am so blessed with my sweet daughter and I can not wait to meet and bond with my little man.  It will be such a different experience than my experience with Annabelle, but I look forward to it.  I pray I am a good momma for them.  That Christ lives through me to be to them just what they need!  I want to cherish moments that suck and soak up the moments that are indescribable.  And I want to always know that being with my kids is a blessing and not *always* a chore.  

Pregnancy Update.  (not much new)

How far along? 33 Weeks!  Yipes.
Total weight gain: I think around 20. 
Maternity clothes? Yep.  Not purchasing anything else at all till I'm all done!  Normal or Maternity. 
Stretch marks? No, I don't think so.  I can't see any.
Sleep: Grrrrr.  I have nights that I sleep awesome.  Then nights, like last night, where I was up for a little over 2 hours.  I got up to pee, couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and had some cereal.  Bad idea since I can NOT lay down after eating ANYTHING at all.  It all just feels like it is coming right back up.  I have been tired all day.  Even after a nap.
Best moment this week:Anytime that has been spent with my husband and my daughter.
Miss Anything? I want to cry with this question because I miss SO much.  Everything, EVERYTHING, is harder.
Movement:  Of course.  So much.  It hurts sometimes. But, still super cool.  We have been trying to guess what we are feeling, a leg, or an arm, or elbow.
Food cravings: No.  Well, maybe.  I have been in LOVE with toasted blueberry bagles lately.  yum.
Anything making you queasy or sick:  Heartburn has been a real beast.  And makes me queasy and feel like I'm gonna be sick all the time. 
Gender:  Baby boy.  AND, we have been back and forth on the name for a while, and I think we have pretty much made a decision.  The name that we have called him from the beginning.  But, I know we could change our mind again, cause I have been SO wishy washy about it. 
Labor Signs:
I had some pretty close and intense Braxton Hicks the other day.  It actually had me wondering what the heck was going on with my body.  But, the doctor said this happens, and told me the other things to look out for, which I already knew.  I guess with second pregnancies you feel them more intense than the first.  As long as I take it easy and drink a lot of water, I don't feel as crummy. 
Symptoms: .:(  I'm so uncomfortable and I hate complaining.  Maybe I have already said this, since I have been feeling uncomfortable for some time now.  It's just getting worse.  And, like I said, heartburn is terrible.  I also often wonder HOW there is any more room in there for little one to grow.  HOW???
Belly Button in or out? weird.  pooching. 
Wedding rings on or off? ON!
Happy or Moody most of the time:Sometimes I just feel like a whacko.  I'll put it that way.  And spacey.  "Pregnancy brain" is a real thing.
Looking forward to:  washing and sorting all of his clothes.  I feel like I really need to get some things prepped for his arrival.  Like clothes.  And maybe even packing a hospital bag.  The further along I get, the less motivated I am to MOVE or put forth energy into certain things, so I should probably get it done.

Pic taken the other day. Again, sorry for the bad quality.  I need to take some better belly pics.  



Bleh to JOY. :)

 This week did NOT start out very well.  Monday was a terrible day, and I went to bed with salty cheeks and a headache.  Bleh.  Everyone gets "those" days, right?  My pregnancy emotions added to the events, causing tears and whines.  I'll make it short...
Annabelle had her first dentist appointment.  She HATES to have her teeth brushed, so I assumed it would be sad for her.  It was.  Which was sad for me, too.  She screamed quite a bit.  A little stressful, ya know?  So, I took her for a little frozen yogurt date.  She (WE) deserved it.  After our date, I got into a little fender bender in the parking lot.  It was really no big deal, barely a bump, but unfortunately it was with someone very unkind.  The situation made my bubble burst, and I was in tears the whole way home.  The tears were for "everything", not just a small accident, or the dentist. Sometimes things are JUST tough.  Whew.  Tuesday was much better.  MUCH.  It's a good thing that God creates NEW days.

I read the most awesome devotion the other day.  And my devotion book is not about parenting or pregnancy or anything like that.  This just happened to be in the book, and encouraged me and touched me so much.  I love it.  So, I wanted to share. 

"Dear Lord,
   Thank you for how you are fashioning my baby's joints, shaping his face, smoothing his skin.  I marvel at the way you work, so patient in your artistry, so painstaking in your attention to detail.  Swaddled within the folds of my womb lies a baby I haven't seen or touched, yet I long to know him.  In my longing, help me to realize that you long for him too; that you are the one who knew him first; that he was conceived in your mind before he was ever conceived in my body, that he was set apart not to fulfill my will but yours.
   Help him to grow pliable to that will, Lord, responsive to every touch of your hand upon his life.  Shape within him a spirit so sensitive to spiritual things that he will be able to feel your breath when you whisper to his conscience, sense your shadow when you move across the circumstances of his life.
   Use this little boy to mold me, Lord.  Use his clinging fingers to make me more gentle and his sudden smile to make me more joyful.  Use his countless spills to make me more patient and his helpless cries to make me more compassionate.  Use him to mold me not only into more of a mother but more of a human being..."

-Mary C. Wells and Judy Gire
Robert G Wells and Ken Gire
Miracle of Life

"The great events of this world are not battles and elections and earthquakes and thunderbolts.  The great events are babies, for each child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged with humanity, but is still expecting goodwill to become incarnate in each human life."

-Edmond McDonald
Presbyterian Outlook