December. 2020.

 DECEMBER!!!! Yes!  

Typically, I try to be a positive person.  To see some good out of situations that are sucky.  As you scroll socials, you see most memes and status updates about December right now are basically geared toward saying, "Get the Hell Outta here, 2020!"  Talking about how happy they are to see 2020 as a thing of our past. As if January 1st, our lives will magically be all better.  I'm not trying to be a debbie downer here, but I don't think that's going to happen.  And, also, my perspective towards 2020 is not all bad.  It was hard. For everyone.  But, there's ALOT about it that I really think was quite great.  So, I just can't mark it off in history as the worst ever.  Because, then I'll forget all those moments that made it really good.  

But, talking about the good is not what is on my mind today.  This post is going to be honest and blunt and maybe quite a downer.  I have been thinking a lot about GRIEF.  Ugggghhh.  Grief.  This week has been kinda emotionally hard.  While my own personal 2020 has had many great moments, but it has also given my heart some tough things to work through.  I heard someone say right at the beginning of the pandemic that the feeling we were all feeling was grief.  That was back in April. When things were kinda at their worst.  And we were all confused.  A little frightened.  And grieving.  Not that any of you are here to read about my own person things that I have lost, said goodbye to or moved on from, but that is what I need to talk about.  For my own clarifying of my thoughts. 

First, I have never lost someone super close to me through death.  Not a parent, best friend, child, spouse, etc...  That is what I mean by super close.  That sort of loss is not something I can comprehend, and honestly don't know how I would get through.  It's a major major fear of mine.  And I am grateful that has not been my experience in life yet.   My losses have included grandparents mostly.   This year, our family lost three people I love dearly.  All three within about a month.  (None from Covid)  

We lost my precious Uncle Buddy.  He is my mom's uncle.  And just the most precious.  He was more like a grandpa to us growing up.  And, while I know and understand that in his old age, it was time for him to go, it is still hard.  Because I will never see him or hear his voice or have a conversation with him in this life.  And he loved our Annabelle so dearly and it makes me very sad that he can't be here to see her grow.  I have never known life without him in it. 

We also lost my Nanny.  My dad's mom.  Again, while I do know and understand that it wast time in her old age to go, it's still hard.  To think back and remember when she was spry and funny and enjoyed conversation.  This summer, we went to her house to help clean it out and go through stuff.  That is a very weird thing to do.  To touch folded clothes in drawers and open a totally organized linen closet and picture that person there doing all those things.  It was her world.  Her life. It was weird and sad and felt like I was being invasive in her space. The space she created.  A lot of memories there for me and a lot of little reminders of her and who she was.  Again, someone I have never known life without. 

We also lost my cousin Bret.  This is the worst.  I can not type this without tears streaming down my face right now.  This is so hard.  I haven't talked about it much.  And when it happened, it didn't quite seem real or sink in.  This is the grief that has been coming in waves.  While we were not particularly "close" the last few years, he was still a big part of my life and a love in my heart that was very special.  There are SO many memories of my life with him in it.  He was everyone's favorite person.  For real.  Just the most fun person ever.  He was like a brother to us girls.  We LOVED having Bret around.  Here's where I am learning more about dealing with loss.  Like I said, it comes in waves.  I have heard that happens.  One moment I think of him and smile and I am fine.  The next day, think of him and cry.  This week has been particularly hard.  The hardest yet.  I miss him.  And I want to talk to him.  I want to hang out with him.  And laugh.  

While I was crying yesterday, I thought of the people I know that are also walking through a loss in life.  I know people who have lost their children or their parents.  And I just want to hug them.  Because the pain of it is just too much to bear.  I feel so sad for them that their grief also comes in waves like this.  And probably always will.  I am so sorry that you have to go through that.  I am so so sorry.  There's nothing "right" to say here, is there?  Except that I am sorry.  It is hard.  This makes me so sad that it is hard for you.  I want to hug you, or scratch your back,  or make you tea.  I wish I could somehow help ease the pain of your loss.  

You may have stopped reading this sadness at this point, and again, don't maybe care what I am personally grieving the loss of, but I am gonna keep going.  

This year has broke our hearts in so many ways.  Each of us individually have our own story.  I miss "normalcy".  I hate masks.  I hate seeing people in masks. You may not. Fine, whatever.  I hate it.  I hate putting them on my children to send them to school.  It makes me sad to see everyone walking around with their smiles covered.  This is something I grieve.  IT IS NOT NORMAL OR IS IT HELPING!!! Guys!  It's NOT.  UGHHHH.  

I miss some of my friends.  I don't care what you say, this year you have for sure found separation between you and someone else.  Family or friends.  I am just going to be honest and awkwardly blunt, I don't even know why I am "friends" with some people.  How did we ever become friends?  How were we ever in life on common ground?  What did we even talk about?  I want to 'defriend' a handful of people.  And don't care if we ever see each other again or have another conversation.  This year has been divisive.  It has brought out sides of people that may have just always been there. Buried under the surface.  I want to say, "Don't let these things divide you!  Guard against division.  Befriend everyone."  I just can't say all that.  I will admit it.  This HAS divided.  Some of you have shown your true colors.  And those colors are ugly.  And, it will not be a part of my life.  It is easy to deal with these types of losses with anger.  But, let's be real, it's also very very sad.  And breaks my heart.  But too much anger and ugliness in your life can be unhealthy.  And sometimes it's better for you to just clean that out.  This year has for sure shown Craig and I who our friends are.  Who we want in our lives and around our children.  Some relationships will move forward on the surface, some not at all.  And some friendships have grown deeper.  Sometimes there is a middle ground.  Sometimes, that middle ground doesn't exist.  It's too bad.  Some of you are real A-HOLES.  And some of you think I am a real A-HOLE.  Therefore, let's move on.  

However, if someone is trying to reach out to you to actually mend a relationship right now, don't ignore it!!!  Sometimes things do heal over time and CAN heal even in the midst of this divisiveness.  My closest relationships in life are the ones where we have worked through hard things.  Awkward conversations.  Confessions.  Forgiveness.   One in particular in my life right now.  I know there is distance.  Awkwardness and past hurts.  We don't talk much.  Random texts over the years.  And face to face the past few years has actually been quite pleasant.  So, recently, I reached out.  It's been a while.  But, that is how the relationship and communication NORMALLY is. But,  this person made it real clear that no relationship or communication from me is welcomed.  Kinda hurt my feelings.  As it would.  But, maybe there, I just leave it alone.  I can't let anger dig deep in to my heart, because that is NOT HEALTHY.  But, I can walk away if that is what they are asking.  Kinda sucks.  

This is getting long.  Bleh.  This year has been just so weird relationally.  I was also majorly betrayed and stabbed in the back, which led to me walking away from something that has been a BIG part of my life for ten years.   Sometimes you can only take so much and let people get by with things for so long.  Then, you have to stop it. Put an end to it.  Take yourself out of the equation where the only result was negativity.  One can only handle that for so long.  But, that thing I left. I miss it.  I miss what it once was.  I DO care that I left it behind.  It impacted my life for many years, and I had to walk away with no proper goodbye.  That sucks.  And that is heavy in my heart.

Hey, I am guilty here, too.  This is not a pity party.  Or poor me kind of post.  But, it all has happened.  That is the fact.  People are mean.  And my anger toward these situations led to reactions that are not ok.  I'm not perfect.  Will never claim to be.  But, I can apologize.  And I can have those hard conversations even if I don't want to.  

I miss my job from last year.  It was so sweet.  It was perfect for me.  I miss the place. I miss the people. But, it's not the same.  And I was not offered the job again due to covid. 

I miss my gym.  I have not been on a spin bike since MARCH!  And I LOVE spin.  I miss the classes I would take early in the morning while the rest of the world slept.  I miss that group.  Those people.  

I miss parties.  Christmas parties.  People. I usually hate small talk.  But, I kinda want a night of it.  

I don't like turning on football games and seeing empty stadiums.  It's stupid.  And I don't even watch football.  

I miss seeing people smile.  And being able to breathe while shopping. 

Ramble Ramble Ramble.  That is what is happening... my brain is turning to mush.  I need more coffee. And I need to take my dog on a walk.  

This was good for my brain.  To get some things out.  I am sure there is so much more. Maybe my next post will be all gumdrops and candy canes and I will tell you all about the goodness that has been 2020.  Because, there has been so much good.