2022

 Already?! OR, Finally?! We made it through another year.  

Seems the recent theme here in this specific space is that I feel real motivated to write about every six months.  I come back here when there are thoughts swirling around in my head that just need to come out.  I never let them all out.  Never process them all.  Never give you the most honest truth of those thoughts.  But the little bit that I do get out sometimes helps.  

Its funny looking back on the two previous posts.  The one in June was hidden from the public just a few days after I posted it.  I was too afraid for it to be out there because it was uncomfortably honest at some points and I felt too vulnerable.  It looks like a girl dying to get out of her head.  Slightly irrational and possibly a little tipsy.  Now that its six months later, I look at it and I am fine with it being there.  Cause it had some legit truth to what I was dealing with at the time.  And it made me giggle. So. There's that. 

Today, I popped this open cause it feels out of character for me to already be three days into the New Year, and I have not taken the time to reflect on the last year or to have made goals for this one. Typically, I sit down with my journal. Motivated and encouraged.  The last 5 days, I have tried.  Sat down with my pen and paper and written nothing that feels freeing. It's almost like I just NEED a guide.  Some specific direction or specific questions.  I don't know how to move forward.  Even this post.  Has taken me ALL.DAY.LONG to finish. And I feel like any thought that was there is now just gone...

There's no real goals this year.  No real inspiration. 2021 was a year of drastic change for me personally.  When I look back, I realize I am not the same person at all.  I have become a version of myself that I both like MORE and also despise.  

A girl I know recently had surgery on her face. She posted an instagram story the other day about how the doctor had completely restructured her face.  She does not look the same.  The surgery was meant to be medical, not cosmetic.  However, it ended up in that direction.  She spoke about how she misses her old face and no matter what, will not ever have it back.  She's changed.  And theres no returning to the face she had before.  

That is how I feel.  I have changed.  More last year than any time in my life.  I feel like I finally grew up a little.  In ways that I should have grown a very long time ago.  I have different perspectives on MANY things in life.  Some of these perspectives are really good.  Some are not. And some of them I'm still trying to figure out if they are even in a  "good" or "bad" category.  

For now...This is all I got.  I came here with hopes to decompress and I just don't have it yet.  When thoughts come and inspiration comes alive,  hopefully I will come back here with good words.  

HNY, to whoever reads this old thing.  It's boring and mostly just for me.  But, if you're here, thanks. And give me some direction....