I sat here and debated sharing this blog post.
When I write, my thoughts come out more clear and reassuring. I have journaled since about 5th grade. Writing down thoughts and prayers. In the garage, there is a box taped up, that reads, "Katie's journals. Please do not open." Do not open, because they are MY thoughts, my personal reflections of life over many years. One day, I will open the box and read through them, but for now it stays closed, and I have journals to add to the box.
When I woke up this morning, I had a headache, did not feel rested, and knew I had to be "ON" for my sweet little girl. But, I was feeling "OFF". Sometimes I miss the mornings where I would wake up, and have about an hour to myself. To shower, get ready, have coffee, THEN head to work. Those sorts of mornings do NOT happen anymore. I have considered getting up an hour before Annabelle so that I can do things like that. But, when that alarm goes off, getting up is the LAST thing I want to do. SO, I take all the time I can to sleep until I hear her as my alarm clock. I am still considering rising before the sun and before that sweet girl.
Anyways, I knew this morning that I NEEDED some time to be quiet. To read and journal. While I was writing a small prayer before opening my devotion book, I realized that I NEED Jesus in my morning, in my day, JUST AS MUCH TODAY AS DAYS THAT I FEEL AWESOME. I need Him just as much in my clear time of distress as I do on the days that are sunny, and easy breezy. I felt bad that I was telling Jesus how much I needed His strength today, and then if tomorrow I wake up, and feel supremely happy, I may not ask for that strength. Does that make sense? I want to depend on Him EVERY day. I want to seek Him daily. I desire for Him to be living through me every day, and not just today when I don't feel like being a mom, but only feel like being in bed.
When I was about 8 or 9, my family and I were in a boathouse and saw a nest full of duck eggs that were in the process of hatching. My sisters and I pretty much thought it was the coolest thing we had ever seen. And how adorable to see such tiny little ducklings. One of them was having a hard time breaking out of its shell. We were trying to be patient while watching it struggle. After a little while of watching him struggle to get out, we started to help him by breaking parts of the shell for him. We peeled pieces off of him to help him become free! Little did we know, this is not actually helpful for a duckling. It is a hindrance in their development. I do not know a lot about ducks, or about any animal that hatches from and egg, but I did learn that the least amount of help you give them, the better it is for the animal. They NEED to go through a hatching process naturally, no matter how hard it may look for the tiny, weak animal. The same thing goes for a butterfly. They NEED to hatch out of their cocoons on their own to actually have the wings to fly and the body they need to be a butterfly. If they are helped, they can come out crippled, their wings my not work right, and they may die. I read this from a website,
"Please don't get over anxious at this stage. What you see of them will look ugly and sad. They need to work at the shell too. It's like a natural birth of a human baby, coming through the birth canal pushes the fluid out of the lungs to allow them to take their first breath. So, I believe it is for the duckling, if it doesn't struggle to push through it could have lung problems and then it may not live long."
So, the story ends here. The little duckling we were helping, died. We helped it and messed with it too much. We all learned a little lesson that day. The rest of my family may not remember this event at all. It was a long long time ago. But, it is something I never forgot, and as a young girl, God was speaking to me, and teaching me a huge thing about life. In order for me to be the person God desires me to be, I HAVE to go through things that are hard. I want someone, something, to peel away at the shell and help me get through the hard times, and maybe avoid the hard situation. But, that is not God's plan. During those times, character is built. People are shaped, and changed. It's part of God's design plan. I don't particularly like that.
This morning, while I was spending some of that quiet time "alone", I read this:
Thank You for the hard and sometimes uphill road I have had to walk in following you. I am stronger because of it. And we are closer because of it. For all the good things that have come to me along the way, I thank you.
But, I have to say, I wish it were and easier way,
a shorter way,
a more scenic way.
I wish the road didn't have to go past the garden of Gethsemane, with its darkness and loneliness and tears.
I wish it just went in endless circles around the seashores of Galilee, and that walking with you were more of a serene stroll in the sunset.
Help me to understand that Gethsemane is as necessary as Galilee in the geography of a growing soul.
Help me to remember that even though you were a son, yet you learned obedience through the things you suffered.
Paul talks about entering into the fellowship of your suffering. I do so very much look forward to having fellowship with you, but honestly, Lord, the thought of having to suffer to experience it stops me in my tracks.
Help me, Lord Jesus, to want your company more than I want serenity, and to love the fellowship with you more than I fear the suffering necessary to enter into it."
This was exactly what I needed for today. God always knows what I need.