Feelin' It

Not that I wasn't concerned before, but the past week has been, well, a little harder.
It seems like I am just on the verge of tears most days.  Emotions right now are SO weird because I don't know actually HOW I feel.  Craig asks if I am ok and I just respond with, "I don't know. I think so?"
It's so strange, right?  I mean, usually when you are sad, annoyed, angry, upset, etc...you know what it's about. You can often put your finger on it, think of a solution, get to the other side.  Whatever.  This isn't like that.

Now, I am not a cryer.  I was in the past.  Someone who would easily cry.  I am not anymore. It's actually pretty rare.  The other night, I CRIED.  Like, for real, ugly, legit tears.  The floodgates opened.  I even asked Craig, "when was the last time you saw me do that?!?!"  Since then, there's been small trickles.  Little things make my eyes wet.  I miss people.  I miss my mom and dad.  I want to hang out with them.  I miss my nieces and nephews. And sisters.  I miss church.  I miss school for my kids.  (Let's be clear, I LOVE having them home, but I am grieving their loss of school this year.  They were ALL having a great year) There are other things I miss right now. Like, TJ MAXX.  But, that I can live without.  I can live without going to a restaurant.  I can live without shopping.  Live without many things.  But, still, my heart feels heavy and I feel like something has been taken from us.   Again, the feelings are just strange.  I can't figure them out.

When I was a senior in high school, my car was broken in to.  I had ALL of my beloved teeny bopper type shit CDs stolen, my wallet with my nanny CASH, driver's liscence, and even my social security card in it. Oh, AND my portable discman.  Ha.  The important things.  I felt so gross getting back in to my car knowing someone had been in there.  Gross.  It was such a violation of my space.  Well, that is all crap I can live without.  And happily, but I was afraid and sad.  Because someone had taken it from me.

Well, this is worse.  Someone has taken HUMAN INTERACTION from us.  This is worse.  The emotion is somehow familiar.  A violation of my right and my space.  But, this is worse.  The world is weird.  I just can't figure out how I feel.