sufjan in the summer

I am once again enjoying a great morning, just me and annabelle, and the sound of my Sufjan Stevens station on Pandora Radio. AND a great cup of french pressed coffee. Annabelle is snuggled up in my lap right now, and I am trying to manuever my arms around her to type. She is struggling to like the smaller looking soothers right now, the ones that i think look "cuter" in her mouth. I will soon give in and giver her back that ugly, giant round one that she loves, but will continue to try others! :)

So, i will be away from my baby longer today than i have been yet. my sister and I are going to a party for the afternoon, and Annabelle will spend her time at Pearl's. (my mom) I want to enjoy myself and have a good time, but I already miss her just thinking about the few hours we will be apart. :( I want her with me always!!!

So, there is something I want to share. I think often, of course, about Down Syndrome. What will my baby's future hold? How do I help her? WHAT do I expect? I think of all kinds of things. Then, there are times, when I dont think about it at ALL!! Like, i totally forget about it. Its not something I struggle with, i mean. I have such an overwhelming peace every single day about our lives, and the surprise that was given to us. I think the Lord wanted me to read this story this week. Please read it.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

So, here I am, i guess, in Holland? I dont know. I think more of something like, here I am in the "Rocky Mountains". Or in Disney World. I have arrived here, when my plan was to go to South Dakota. BORING! I mean, I have arrived somewhere way BETTER than my plan. Who wants to go to the Dakotas??? ha! I am in a place much more exciting and beautiful than I had expected. Disney World, rather than the community park.

I was told about this woman's blog by a friend after I had written this story about Annabelle. Her baby also had Down Syndrome. She had no idea before delivery, so was surprised. I read her blog often, and see pictures of the beautiful baby she was given. I want to share something that she said, in the midst of contemplating this new adventure of Trisomy 21....

"And, though I may have cursed wooden shoes and Holland, I came to the realization that, in any parenting situation, there are a thousand Holland situations. And a thousand Italys too. (Warning: Going into far-fetched Analogy Zone. Hang on.) And there's air traffic control monitoring this constant stream of flights, for any given child, that take off and land in both the beautiful expected and the unknown lands where we must search for beauty. Perfectly "normal" children with 46 chromosomes take their parents to Holland. When girls grow up and tell their moms they aren't having children, thus crushing grandchild dreams. When boys choose art over football and disappoint their fathers. When children move away and don't come home for Christmas. When girls become teenagers and slam doors and call their mothers b-words.

And who says Nella will never take me to Italy? I feel like she already has...when she's breathing heavy on my chest at night and the weight of her tightly-jammied body sinks right into my soul and I smile thinking, "this is just like Lainey." When she takes her first steps someday. When she says 'mama' or 'I love you' or reads her first book out loud.

It's just a mess of flights and destinations for every child...some good, some bad...but that's parenthood. Period."



I couldnt explain it better myself. I love my little adventure.