Random Reflections

Mother's Day inspired me to write a post, and here it is almost a week later and no writing has happened.  I just put the kiddos down for a nap.  I have high hopes during nap time.  There is ALWAYS something to do around here, and if you are a mom, or just a woman that lives, you know that is true.  So, during this nap time, I hope to write a little post, and possibly put the laundry away that has been sitting on the couch since Wednesday.  I hear those little voices still, so we will see what happens.

Mother's Day this year left me feeling the NEED to reflect.  Much of this reflection I have been doing in my mind, with silent prayers of thanks and prayers for strength.  But, I want to write out much of what I am thinking about.  It will be random, as these thoughts go from my head to this screen.

First of all, I wanted to talk about this pregnancy. Again.  I've been feeling very thankful to God for allowing me to be pregnant again.  Here's a confession, I don't LOVE being pregnant.  I just don't.  And, I don't have bad pregnancies at all, but I still just don't love it.  I also don't hate it, but I certainly don't love it.  I would say it is mostly that I just physically don't love it.  How it wears me out, gives me heartburn, makes me pee my pants when I laugh or cough, weird weight gain, and my goodness the exhaustion.  All of those physical things that i don't like, do affect me emotionally also.  The hormones affect me emotionally. I am JUST TIRED.  ALL. THE. TIME.
But, since the moment I found out that I was pregnant this time, I have prayed for a joy from the Lord to help me to enjoy it.  To savor each little moment.  There is a very good chance this will be our last baby, so I want to enjoy these months so much more.  I am thankful.  SO thankful that this pregnancy has happened in GOD's perfect timing, not ours.  Thankful that He is giving us another girl, knowing  that she is the puzzle piece this family needs.  I am beyond thankful every day that God allows me to get pregnant so easily.  I feel so blessed that getting pregnant has not been a struggle for us, and I DO NOT take that for granted at all.  I love that I GET to be pregnant, and get the gift of this experience.  The thankfulness I feel for all of these things outweighs the negatives I feel about being pregnant.  It's an incredible experience I would never ever want to be without.  I love you, SKYLAR.  (Her name is Skylar.  I love it!  I love it so much more that it is the name Craig chose.  AND, NO, neither one of us have ever watched Breaking Bad, so please please don't ask me!  I like the name, and it will become who she is.  She is not named after anyone we know, or any TV show.  Her middle name is still up for discussion, but I am glad we can call her something other than Baby.)

I have been relishing in the cuteness of my kids lately.  Soaking up the little things about them that make them who they are.

CARTER...
I love Carter's little voice, and how he seems to add a word to his small vocabulary every day.  It makes me smile even when he says, "poo poo.  pants." Meaning, uh, I need to change him.  The other day I was laying on the couch, which I am often doing these days.  He walked into the living room as if to just pass through, headed to another room very quickly.  He saw me on the couch, ran over and grabbed a blanket, put it on top of me, and then went on with his business.  Of course my eyes welled up with tears, and I said, "Thank you for the blanket, buddy.  I love you."  He has a very very sweet, tender little heart.  I prayed for that years ago if I had a boy.  I love that he has a little sense of humor and makes me laugh a lot.
I also kind of love how he runs in the kitchen in the mornings, asking for "Coca? Coca?"  He means Cocoa Puffs.  We gave the kids cocoa puffs one Saturday, meaning for it to only be a special "Saturday cereal".  But, I kind of can't resist when his little voice sounds so cute and so excited.  Sometimes I do say no and pretend we are out, but sometimes my heart melts at the request for that sugar-filled cereal.
I love the way he throws.  It's always an overhand quick toss, and he is already tough.  I love how he rubs his eyes and says, "I tired" during supper time.  He does this during supper when he just doesn't want to eat the food on his plate.  He's already trying to outsmart us in that.  Kinda cracks me up.  I love how he asks for his pacifier, and calls it a "Bapi".  And his blanket is his "banie".  I love how he asks to go potty, and then just claps when he sits.  He never has ever gone potty for us.  But, he sees sister go, and knows that it is a time when we clap.  :)  I love how he runs, with one arm bent and tucked and the other swinging by his side.  I love that he knows the color yellow, and says it every time he sees it, but won't name other colors.  I love that he has been trying to sing "twinkle twinkle" and "Jesus loves me" with us before bed.  I love the way he asks for me when it is time to go to bed.  We always ask him, "do you want mommy or daddy to put you to bed?"  His response is always, "Momma".  I love love love the way he loves Annabelle.  If he wakes up before her, he asks for her immediately.  Their little sibling fights and disagreements have already started, and although that can be stressful, it's also kind of funny and cute.  They will occasionally scream at each other, or hit, but it doesn't usually last long.  And, when they say sorry, they always touch each others face.  That melts my heart.  Annabelle is the one who is a little more feisty, and when I ask her to say sorry, Carter always says it first, even when it wasn't him who did anything.  So cute.  I love how he thinks Wilbur running in to the fence on Charlotte's Web is about the funniest thing he's ever seen. I love it when he gets cracked up about something.
I love how almost every day, he asks for daddy when we are eating breakfast.  He almost always calls for him.  Then, I have to remind him that he is at work.  Every Saturday and Sunday, his face lights up in the morning when he sees him.  He loves his daddy. I love the way he has added LIFE and JOY to this family.  I cherish him so much, knowing he is my only little boy.  I never ever knew having a little boy would be as amazing as it is.  And, as draining as it can be to be SO needed, I love how he has always been kind of a clingy one.  Someday he won't be, so I will enjoy it now...

ANNABELLE...

I love that I am understanding more of her little language.  She does talk, we just don't understand most of it.  But, I am starting to a little bit.  I have to often tell people, "oh she just said _________".  I love that she loves life.  Life is so fun to her. I mean, most of the time right?  She's still a four year old.  I love that she is so in to art.  She loves to color and to paint.  Often, she colors and paints more of herself, but that's ok.  She still loves it.  When we have sidewalk chalk outside, she will decorate the ENTIRE patio.  I mean, the grill, tables, windows,trees, the play scape, chairs, the screens on the windows, the siding on the house.  EVERYTHING is marked up with chalk by Annabelle.  I LOVE it.  I love seeing that mark of hers left everywhere.  And that is why we keep chalk outside, and markers and paint at the table, or also outside!  If she was left alone with a marker, our WHOLE house would be covered.  It's the beginning of her creativity, and I love to watch it.  I love that she sneaks away from her class at school when she passes my room.  She runs in looking so happy and waving, saying "HI" so proudly.  I will miss that.  I love that she tries to sing.  Lately, I have been able to understand which song she is trying to sing, and I will sing along.  She loves music, always has.  I love that she still uses sign to communicate, and often still makes up her own signs.  I love love love the way she jumps.  It is one of my most favorite things in life.  I'm not kidding.  Watching her jump can turn one of my bad days into such an awesome day.

I wish I could post all of the videos of her little Spring Program at school, but I would have to sit here all day to wait for them to upload.
I love how she says "shopping".  For some reason, she throws her hands and arms open and it sounds more like "shipping".  She only likes it when I say we are going shopping because she thinks she will get a donut.  We go grocery shopping as a family, and it has become a tradition to always get the kiddos a donut.  She expects it every time she even sees an HEB.  If we pass an HEB and do not go in, she gets upset.  I love how she loves to be wrapped in a towel after bath time and held like a baby.  She always sighs when you pull her close, and sometimes even says, "baby".  I love the way her face looks when she gets excited about something.  I love the way her face looks when she sees herself in the screen of my phone.
Something like this....

I also love how much she adores her daddy.  She has a special bond with Craig and always has.  I love that.  We face time with him randomly during the week while he is at work, and she gets so super excited!  She melts in his arms any time he picks her up.  It's awesome.  I love Annabelle's spunk.  I love that she brightens the lives of other people.  I love that she can be totally content playing all by herself, but also LOVES to play with her brother.  I love that she is ours. And I love that she only fits the mold that she is making for herself.  

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom.  I always knew that being a wife and mom is what I would do with my life.  I am so thankful that God has allowed me to live this dream.  It is a harder job than I ever ever expected, but I still love it.  I often feel like I am not enough for these kids.  Like I am not a good enough mom for them.  I wear many hats in this life, and I am often overwhelmed that it is just too much for one person.  I have more meltdowns than I would like to admit.  But, at the end of the day, reflection on the chaos that my life often is, I still would never ever change it for anything in the world.  I love these little stinkers so much and can not wait to add one more to this crazy life.  I hope she's ready. ;)

Our BabieS.

The littlest Schmidts have been having a blast lately.  The winter was annoying as far as yucky weather and lots of sickness that just lingered in our house.  Just a couple weeks ago, Annabelle had strep, an ear infection and a weird skin thing all in one day.  Then, I woke up the next day with strep.  

Now that the weather is AWESOME and sickness seems to be gone for now, we have been busy.  We are outside every day soaking it all up! Here are some recent pics of these cuties....

Carter's best bud and cousin, Justus.

Swimming!!

I super love this picture of my little independent FOUR year old!
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BABY Schmidt #3 at 18 weeks...


Yesterday was our 'big' ultrasound.  The one that gives me major anxiety and is also so exciting at the same time.  I get so nervous for ultrasounds, but the anxiety that it brings, draws me into more conversation with Jesus.  Asking for peace and joy and a healthy baby.  We were very excited to find out if Annabelle and Carter would be getting a brother or sister.  I really did not know what to expect.  I had no strong feeling either way, and I could see PROS to either one.  We had names we liked picked out for both, too.
The ultrasound went really well.  Everything looks really good, and right on track.  That means more to me than anything.

Well, here SHE is....


Annabelle and Carter are going to have a SISTER!!  I am pretty sure we have decided on a name, but until I know FOR SURE, I am not announcing it.  I really want to decide on a name this time and call her that for the rest of the pregnancy.  This time, Craig has named her.  We were watching a movie a couple weeks ago, and at the end, he said he really liked this specific name that he had heard in the movie.  And this time, I actually liked it.  Craig comes up with silly names most of the time.  Names that no one should name their kids.  But, this time, I loved it.  We haven't talked much about the name since then.  After the doctor told us she was a girl yesterday, Craig looked at me and said, "do you know what her name is?"  I said I wasn't sure yet, and he said, " I do".  I love it that he has named his second daughter.  Love love love it.  I think this gives Craig a little extra bond with her.

How far along? 18 +Weeks

Total weight gain/loss:  around 8lbs. 

 Maternity clothes? yes yes yes.  bleh.

Stretch marks? No
Best moment this week: Finding out that our baby is healthy and that we are having another little GIRL

Miss anything: Drinking alcohol.  I have really wanted to chill on a patio with a nice margarita lately.
Movement: Yes.  Still not a ton, but I am feeling a little bit.
Food cravings: BUFFALO wings.  Cravings are so weird.  Once I get something in my mind that I want, it is ALL I can think about!  I wanted boneless buffalo wings SO bad about a week ago. Once I got them, I wanted them again and again.  The cravings I have had only last about a week, and then it is something else. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really
Have you started to show yet: Yes.  everywhere.

  Gender: GIRL
Labor Signs: No.

  Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? On. Most likely won't come off.  Never did with other two pregnancies.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Been feeling pretty content lately.
Looking forward to: The end of school.  Only a few weeks left!

FOUR

Our sweet Annabelle Grace is FOUR years old today.  As I am reminiscing about the day I gave birth to my first child, so many emotions come rushing in.  I am re-reading the first post that I wrote about her on this blog, 13 days after her birthday.  HER STORY.

 It is funny as I am reading it, how my vocabulary in terms of Down Syndrome has changed a little bit. I have read over that post a few times in the last four years, but never want to go back and change things I wrote, because it is all kind of raw as far as my emotions at the time. And, I did not have much knowledge of what DS is, and what may or may not be the 'right' vocabulary to use.  Things like "Downs child", and I said 'Downs" a lot.  Which, I have learned isn't exactly the proper thing to say I guess.  And it's not super appropriate to define a person by what they have.  Like saying "Downs child".  Rather saying, "a child with Down Syndrome".  Some get offended by those things.  I try not to, knowing that a lot of people just don't know that.  I didn't 4 years ago.  But, I kind of get it.  She is many many more things than a girl with Down Syndrome.  MANY more things define my beautiful girl.  (THIS whole subject could be an entire blog post in itself.  One I may sit down to write someday soon.)

My love for this little girl is the same, if not deeper, than it was that day in 2010.  Reading all that I wrote makes my eyes well up with tears because it brings me back to that place. My chest feels heavy remembering all that my heart felt.  It's overwhelming.  The birth of my daughter rocked and changed my world and the world of those that are in my life.  The birth of that girl rocked and changed my marriage, my relationship with my Savior, the relationships in my immediate and extended family and changed me in ways I could never ever explain.  Having a child changes you in such crazy ways anyways, but having a child with special needs does something else.  It altered my perspective on life.  God knew EXACTLY what Craig and I NEEDED.  We NEEDED Annabelle.  And we NEEDED her to have Down Syndrome.  God's gift of this little girl, this little girl with Down Syndrome, is something I will never take for granted. I would never ever change this gift.  There are certain things that were said to me after her birth that I have never forgot.  Two in particular.

1. "It's OK to grieve the life she would have had."  Someone said this to me the day after she was born.  A sweet, dear friend of mine.  I wasn't sure how to take this.  I wasn't sure if I was upset my this.  But, I have thought about it for four years, and I am finally getting it.   Never did I feel upset about who she was.  Ever.  But, I do wish, FOR HER SAKE, that things came easier to her.  I don't want her to have to struggle with things that come easy for others.  But, as a parent, it's hard to watch your child struggle at all.  You want to fix it and make things easier.  She has a hard time with some simple things, some simple milestones, and I wish those things were easier for HER. 

2. Somebody that I don't know told someone that I DO know something kind of like this, "Katie is in kind of a honeymoon stage. She's not upset about the diagnosis yet, but she probably will be."   UHHH, excuhhuuse me?    After Annabelle was born, it is true, I was in a 'honeymoon' stage.  I was loving EVERY minute of it.  Loving EVERY minute of this little girl.  Cherishing WHO she was and the amazing gift that was wrapped up so beautifully and placed in my lap.  Y'all, it's four years later, and I am still there.  No, I am not, and have never been upset about her diagnosis.  Never was I ever upset with God or did I sit and ask him "WHY?"  I never grieved about her diagnosis.  Like I said, I would love for things to be easier for her, for HER sake, but not for mine.  Craig and I were given an UNCONDITIONAL love for that sweet girl. Here is what good ol' Wikipedia has to say about unconditional love...

"Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism, complete love, or "mother's/father's love." Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging."

 My love for Annabelle has NO BOUNDS, and is UNCHANGING.  

 I am so thankful for her, and for the last four years that we have had with her.  She's an incredible child, and teaches me new things ALL the time. Her joy and her love is contagious. I want to be like her when I grow up.  Ha ha.  For real though, she is just amazing.  It has been a beautiful four years.  We are looking forward to a million more.