December. 2020.

 DECEMBER!!!! Yes!  

Typically, I try to be a positive person.  To see some good out of situations that are sucky.  As you scroll socials, you see most memes and status updates about December right now are basically geared toward saying, "Get the Hell Outta here, 2020!"  Talking about how happy they are to see 2020 as a thing of our past. As if January 1st, our lives will magically be all better.  I'm not trying to be a debbie downer here, but I don't think that's going to happen.  And, also, my perspective towards 2020 is not all bad.  It was hard. For everyone.  But, there's ALOT about it that I really think was quite great.  So, I just can't mark it off in history as the worst ever.  Because, then I'll forget all those moments that made it really good.  

But, talking about the good is not what is on my mind today.  This post is going to be honest and blunt and maybe quite a downer.  I have been thinking a lot about GRIEF.  Ugggghhh.  Grief.  This week has been kinda emotionally hard.  While my own personal 2020 has had many great moments, but it has also given my heart some tough things to work through.  I heard someone say right at the beginning of the pandemic that the feeling we were all feeling was grief.  That was back in April. When things were kinda at their worst.  And we were all confused.  A little frightened.  And grieving.  Not that any of you are here to read about my own person things that I have lost, said goodbye to or moved on from, but that is what I need to talk about.  For my own clarifying of my thoughts. 

First, I have never lost someone super close to me through death.  Not a parent, best friend, child, spouse, etc...  That is what I mean by super close.  That sort of loss is not something I can comprehend, and honestly don't know how I would get through.  It's a major major fear of mine.  And I am grateful that has not been my experience in life yet.   My losses have included grandparents mostly.   This year, our family lost three people I love dearly.  All three within about a month.  (None from Covid)  

We lost my precious Uncle Buddy.  He is my mom's uncle.  And just the most precious.  He was more like a grandpa to us growing up.  And, while I know and understand that in his old age, it was time for him to go, it is still hard.  Because I will never see him or hear his voice or have a conversation with him in this life.  And he loved our Annabelle so dearly and it makes me very sad that he can't be here to see her grow.  I have never known life without him in it. 

We also lost my Nanny.  My dad's mom.  Again, while I do know and understand that it wast time in her old age to go, it's still hard.  To think back and remember when she was spry and funny and enjoyed conversation.  This summer, we went to her house to help clean it out and go through stuff.  That is a very weird thing to do.  To touch folded clothes in drawers and open a totally organized linen closet and picture that person there doing all those things.  It was her world.  Her life. It was weird and sad and felt like I was being invasive in her space. The space she created.  A lot of memories there for me and a lot of little reminders of her and who she was.  Again, someone I have never known life without. 

We also lost my cousin Bret.  This is the worst.  I can not type this without tears streaming down my face right now.  This is so hard.  I haven't talked about it much.  And when it happened, it didn't quite seem real or sink in.  This is the grief that has been coming in waves.  While we were not particularly "close" the last few years, he was still a big part of my life and a love in my heart that was very special.  There are SO many memories of my life with him in it.  He was everyone's favorite person.  For real.  Just the most fun person ever.  He was like a brother to us girls.  We LOVED having Bret around.  Here's where I am learning more about dealing with loss.  Like I said, it comes in waves.  I have heard that happens.  One moment I think of him and smile and I am fine.  The next day, think of him and cry.  This week has been particularly hard.  The hardest yet.  I miss him.  And I want to talk to him.  I want to hang out with him.  And laugh.  

While I was crying yesterday, I thought of the people I know that are also walking through a loss in life.  I know people who have lost their children or their parents.  And I just want to hug them.  Because the pain of it is just too much to bear.  I feel so sad for them that their grief also comes in waves like this.  And probably always will.  I am so sorry that you have to go through that.  I am so so sorry.  There's nothing "right" to say here, is there?  Except that I am sorry.  It is hard.  This makes me so sad that it is hard for you.  I want to hug you, or scratch your back,  or make you tea.  I wish I could somehow help ease the pain of your loss.  

You may have stopped reading this sadness at this point, and again, don't maybe care what I am personally grieving the loss of, but I am gonna keep going.  

This year has broke our hearts in so many ways.  Each of us individually have our own story.  I miss "normalcy".  I hate masks.  I hate seeing people in masks. You may not. Fine, whatever.  I hate it.  I hate putting them on my children to send them to school.  It makes me sad to see everyone walking around with their smiles covered.  This is something I grieve.  IT IS NOT NORMAL OR IS IT HELPING!!! Guys!  It's NOT.  UGHHHH.  

I miss some of my friends.  I don't care what you say, this year you have for sure found separation between you and someone else.  Family or friends.  I am just going to be honest and awkwardly blunt, I don't even know why I am "friends" with some people.  How did we ever become friends?  How were we ever in life on common ground?  What did we even talk about?  I want to 'defriend' a handful of people.  And don't care if we ever see each other again or have another conversation.  This year has been divisive.  It has brought out sides of people that may have just always been there. Buried under the surface.  I want to say, "Don't let these things divide you!  Guard against division.  Befriend everyone."  I just can't say all that.  I will admit it.  This HAS divided.  Some of you have shown your true colors.  And those colors are ugly.  And, it will not be a part of my life.  It is easy to deal with these types of losses with anger.  But, let's be real, it's also very very sad.  And breaks my heart.  But too much anger and ugliness in your life can be unhealthy.  And sometimes it's better for you to just clean that out.  This year has for sure shown Craig and I who our friends are.  Who we want in our lives and around our children.  Some relationships will move forward on the surface, some not at all.  And some friendships have grown deeper.  Sometimes there is a middle ground.  Sometimes, that middle ground doesn't exist.  It's too bad.  Some of you are real A-HOLES.  And some of you think I am a real A-HOLE.  Therefore, let's move on.  

However, if someone is trying to reach out to you to actually mend a relationship right now, don't ignore it!!!  Sometimes things do heal over time and CAN heal even in the midst of this divisiveness.  My closest relationships in life are the ones where we have worked through hard things.  Awkward conversations.  Confessions.  Forgiveness.   One in particular in my life right now.  I know there is distance.  Awkwardness and past hurts.  We don't talk much.  Random texts over the years.  And face to face the past few years has actually been quite pleasant.  So, recently, I reached out.  It's been a while.  But, that is how the relationship and communication NORMALLY is. But,  this person made it real clear that no relationship or communication from me is welcomed.  Kinda hurt my feelings.  As it would.  But, maybe there, I just leave it alone.  I can't let anger dig deep in to my heart, because that is NOT HEALTHY.  But, I can walk away if that is what they are asking.  Kinda sucks.  

This is getting long.  Bleh.  This year has been just so weird relationally.  I was also majorly betrayed and stabbed in the back, which led to me walking away from something that has been a BIG part of my life for ten years.   Sometimes you can only take so much and let people get by with things for so long.  Then, you have to stop it. Put an end to it.  Take yourself out of the equation where the only result was negativity.  One can only handle that for so long.  But, that thing I left. I miss it.  I miss what it once was.  I DO care that I left it behind.  It impacted my life for many years, and I had to walk away with no proper goodbye.  That sucks.  And that is heavy in my heart.

Hey, I am guilty here, too.  This is not a pity party.  Or poor me kind of post.  But, it all has happened.  That is the fact.  People are mean.  And my anger toward these situations led to reactions that are not ok.  I'm not perfect.  Will never claim to be.  But, I can apologize.  And I can have those hard conversations even if I don't want to.  

I miss my job from last year.  It was so sweet.  It was perfect for me.  I miss the place. I miss the people. But, it's not the same.  And I was not offered the job again due to covid. 

I miss my gym.  I have not been on a spin bike since MARCH!  And I LOVE spin.  I miss the classes I would take early in the morning while the rest of the world slept.  I miss that group.  Those people.  

I miss parties.  Christmas parties.  People. I usually hate small talk.  But, I kinda want a night of it.  

I don't like turning on football games and seeing empty stadiums.  It's stupid.  And I don't even watch football.  

I miss seeing people smile.  And being able to breathe while shopping. 

Ramble Ramble Ramble.  That is what is happening... my brain is turning to mush.  I need more coffee. And I need to take my dog on a walk.  

This was good for my brain.  To get some things out.  I am sure there is so much more. Maybe my next post will be all gumdrops and candy canes and I will tell you all about the goodness that has been 2020.  Because, there has been so much good. 

The House. THE. HOUSE.

When the urge to write strikes, I have to take it.  I have a lot to say about a recent adventure in our lives.  I say adventure, because during this crazy time of life when pretty much everything sucks and going in public is more annoying than rewarding, then this is the closest thing to an adventure that we have.  And I think that is kind of cool.   I don't know about you, but since March 2020, I have changed.  I KNOW you have changed, also.  One thing I will forever take away from all of this is how LITTLE I need.  How LITTLE my family needs.  I would live in a one room studio without toys and technology and pretty things as long as I have my family.  As long as I am under the same roof as my bad ass husband and my seriously amazing children, I need nothing else.  Except Jesus.  But, that's a given.  You know me well, then you know that is my heart.  But, when it comes down to "it", whatever "it" is, just let me have my family.  Take everything else.  

Here's a short-as-I-can-make-it backstory.  We bought our house in the summer of 2015.  At the time, it needed 'work' and Craig, and the men in our family, made it close to perfect for us to move in.  At the time, I felt like God's favor shined on us and I was just humbled and grateful that we were even able to get this house.  (I won't go deeper into our past than just this specific season.  That would take too long. But, I will say, Craig and I went through some MAJOR financial and heartbreaking financial struggles early on in our marriage.  Struggles that a lot of early married's would may not make it through. But, we made it.  We learned a lot.  And I think it gave us a great perspective.  Like most struggles do when you look at them the right way.)

At the time of getting this house,  I leaned in to the Greek word...xapis.  I wanted it written on our door post, but never did it.  Here is what xapis means...(from Wiktionary) . 

From the same root as χαίρω (khaírō, “to be happy”). In the religious sense, it was first used in the Septuagint as a translation of the Hebrew word חֵן‎ (ḥēn), for instance in Genesis 6:8:

• ‏וְנֹ֕חַ מָ֥צָא חֵ֖ן בְּעֵינֵ֥י יְהוָֽה׃‎‎

  wə-nōaḥ māṣāʾ ḥēn bə-ʿēynēy yəhwāh.

  And Noah found grace in the eyes of YHWH.

• 300 BCE – 200 BCE, Septuagint, Genesis 6.8:

  Νωε δὲ εὗρεν χάριν ἐναντίον κυρίου τοῦ θεοῦ.

  Nōe dè heûren khárin enantíon kuríou toû theoû.

  Noah found grace [or favor] before the Lord God.

  favourable disposition towards someone: grace, favor, goodwill

  1. (Judaism, Christianity) the grace or favor of God

  
  

  
  

I felt the favor of God.  He gave us this house as a gift and I was SO grateful.

Fast forward FIVE years.  We have discussed and planned for a big remodle on our home for a couple years.  We have tossed around ideas on how to give ourselves more space in the home we are in.  A bigger kitchen, more space to entertain, more space for the kids to spread out as they play, etc... We kind of are bursting at the seems here.  Our lives have changed in five years, and our children have grown.  It makes me feel ungrateful when I say I want more space, because I would be happy here forever if that is what the Lord had.  But, I can't help but feel like as we grow, our walls grow IN.  When I say we have planned this for a couple years, I do mean that.  We were just about to take the plunge.  Go to the bank.  Submit some plans. Bash down a couple walls.  THEN, we found a house.  

We were NOT actively looking for a house.  I mean, I look at Realtor.com all the time just to see what is out there.  And we look often just to see what houses are going for in our neighborhood.  It gives us a good idea of what our house may appraise for.  BUT, we have been happy.  Settled.  Content to stay put.  Basically, we are just REALLY picky and it would take something wonderful to make either one of us leave this place we gladly call "home".  

So, it was perfect.  This house.  Perfect.  I got wrapped up in how incredible it would be.  Not only for us, but for our family and friends.  How we could share it.  Open it up to incredible possiblilites of community and togetherness.  Which is something we are craving in this strange world we are now in.  We threw out an offer.  It caught us off guard that we even THOUGHT about moving.  That was NOT on our radar.  But, then we thought about it. And thought about it more.  And discussed all that 'could be'.  

Our offer was refused.  I wasn't surprised.  We did offer way less than asking price on the PERFECT house.  It was fine.  I didn't cry.  I did NOT want anything that the Lord was not giving us.  I desire to be in the middle of His perfect will and that perfect house was not perfect for us.  I guess. So, we let it go.  Discussed doing some basic, minimal and affordable things in this house we call home. We were good with that.  Like, comfortable and content good.  It was fine. 

Then, we saw the house.  THE house.  (Insert eye roll). 

 

Craig came across a house while perusing Realtor or Zillow.  Big house.  (nice) TWELVE acres. (double nice) . So, one Saturday after we had been at the lake all morning with my family, we decided to take a little drive in to the "country" to see where the house was.  We called the number on the sign out by the long driveway.  The guy was the owner of the property.  Said it was empty, the doors were open and to just go on in and look around.  "Ooooh fun!" I thought.  So, we drove up the dusty driveway, back in to some huge trees and saw the house.  

We put on a movie for the kids, and jumped out.  

First reaction..."This is rough, babe".  But, we meandered through the house together.  It was hot and stuffy.  Dimly lit.  Dirty. OLD. And smelled like an over-crowded antique store.  (If you know that smell, then you have been to some damn good antique stores) I was afraid what we may see every time we opened a closet door or entered a new room.  But I was SO intrigued.  Like, what is the story here?  Who lived here?  What was this space used for?  What did this look like years ago?  I love history.  So does Craig.  So, we were SO intrigued.  

I was standing in this gross, outdated kitchen leaning on the center island when Craig said, "turn around" and he was about to take my pic.  I gave a sassy over the shoulder look and he giggled.  He said, "here's your new kitchen".  I said, "ya right.  If it is, I'll frame this picture and hang it in here to look back at someday". In my mind thinking, "ya right.  But, well, maybe. meh?"

We had a great time.  We explored.  Just the two of us on this property.  I would not trek through the land.  It was over grown and looked "snakey". We mentioned a few times about how my mom would like this or that.  Bottom line, this place was a project.  Huge. We left.

When we left, we were talking about how much my mom and dad NEED to see this place.  Just to see it.  Not, that we are thinking of ACTUALLY getting this monstrosity of a project, but just cause it really was "groovy" and "so 70's". So, I called mom.  Dad was napping from being on the lake all day, like I mentioned.  She said they would come as soon as he got up.  So, as soon as she called, we loaded the kids again and headed back out.  This place is in the 'country', but IN our town.  Like, perfect distance to things, but far enough away where you don't hear I-35 or airplanes taking off.  You hear wind in the trees and locust and...silence.  

Mom and dad had the reaction I thought they would.  This place was pretty cool.  Stuff they would have seen in 'their day'.  We talked about the dream of having them get a small piece and build a little house.  Craig's parents getting a small piece and building a place.  Now, most people would not think this was cool. To have your parents on the same land that you live on.  But, Craig and I are not most people.  We quite like our parents and their presence.  We would love to have property where Pops and Momma Pearl were there, at a comfortable enough distance.  AND FOR SURE would love to have a spot where Craig's parents could get out of Minnesota winters for a part of it and be close to us.  We would love to see our kids spend more time with them and for us to also enjoy their presence.  We may be weird.  We both like our parents.  Yes, that much. LOL.

Anyways, then we left.  Enjoyed a fun dinner at our place with Pops and Momma Pearl and then kinda decided maybe keep this place in the back of our minds.  

Next day.  I did a TON of "research" that some may call "stalking".  No, it is research.  I found out a lot about the property.  Who lived there.  Who built it.  Where they came from.  Etc...  I learned a lot.  

Craig did his own, man kind of research.  About logistics, and building and permits and counties and whatever else...

Then, called owner.  Went back.  Just me and Craig.  We met with the owner.  Stood in the driveway for like an hour an learned even MORE about the property.  So much more.  This place is cool.  But, SO complicated.  Weird.  But, SO intriguing.  We left thinking, "well.  We can't do this.  It's just too much".  I mean, it is a project.  a HUGE project.  It is NOT just "lipstick and rougue".  It is an intense makeover to see this house AND this property be brought back to life.  Like, a huge undertaking.  We kind of agreed to put it out of our minds.  And told the owner that we just can't do it.

You know what sucks about that?  LOL.  I am married to a man who has vision.  He's quite incredible when it comes to vision.  And he is a freakin' hard worker.  He is NOT a quitter.  And I have never seen him afraid of work.  He sees potential. And, man, he can make it happen.  He is ok with failing as long as he tries.  Gosh, as I am writing this, it's kind of inspiring.  I am more of a "stay where it is comfortable" kind of person.  I can see an ugly, old piece of furniture and take it home to bring it back to life with a little elbow grease and paint.  But, that is much smaller than an entire house.  I have refinished our same dining table and chairs like five times cause " I see that it can be more beautiful". I mean, I am also not a quitter.  I will finish something I set my mind to and I love to set goals and accomplish them. But, I play on a smaller scale of comfort, where he is playing way above that.  He has taught me a lot.  

Ok, so, the next week.  I kept thinking about that house.  I started a Pinterest board and dreamed of all this place could be.  I listened to all the excuses in my head that said, "it's really not that bad."  "You can do so much." "This place could be SO amazing". I filled my Wayfair cart full of all the area rugs that would be "so perfect in this space".  I let my mind wander and wander and wander.  Then, it came up again.  I kinda knew Craig had also been thinking about it.  So, I asked him, "have you also been thinking about this house all week?"  "YES".  So, one evening, we went back. (face-in-palm) Like, WHY!?!?!?  Are we really this bored?!?!?  I mean, we are seriously NOT unhappy where we are living.  We quite love our little corner house.  So, WHY are we still thinking about this house.  The house that looks like a freakin MESS.  It looks like someone is going to bulldoze this home and start over.  For real.  So, why?!?  Like, get it out of my head already, Lord.  

Here was round FOUR.  The fourth time for us to go.  We went with Heidi, Craig's sweet sister.  This time, we let the kids out for a little bit.  They were loud and ran around like it was a playground, like they usually do. Everywhere is a playground.  I realized while they ran around how PERFECT this house was for a dang good game of hide and seek!  Like, just the best.  Again, the more we walked around, the more we saw how much work this would take.  But, I liked it.  I was starting to WANT to be there.  To be on this property and walk in to this gross house.  Damnit.  I don't WANT to WANT something I can't actually see happening.  This time we left, and I liked it.  Was scared out of my britches that I actually liked it.  I just wanted to forget it.  

So, real scoop.  It's probably 'worth' asking price because it IS twelve acres.  But, we don't see the value in the property because of the amount of work and money it would take to bring this house AND this twelve acres back to life.  For OUR personal pocket book, it just doesn't work.  MAYBE someone with a ton of cash wants this place and will make it amazing.  That is what it would take.  There, that is real talk.  What money is WORTH spending on this?

SO, sigh...I still didn't forget this.  Still thought about it.  But, it was fading more as a memory and something fun we got to see and envision.  We were in no way ready to make a real offer.  Here's why...

We could. We could make that "BALLSY" offer like we did on the other place.  Way below asking price. We could stretch ourselves thin and MAKE this happen.  We could.  But, we both do believe that "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away".  We also don't believe in doing something hastily or aggressively when we don't know for sure if it is something WE are forcing to happen, or if the Lord is making it happen.  There's a clear distinction.  We have lived it.  We have seen it.  And we are on the same page in being willing to WAIT for the Lord's clear direction.  Hence, part of the perspective we learned early early on in our marriage.  We are not willing to force something.  Or "put the cart before the horse" as my dad would say.  (Good advice, BTW)

Did we go back for a fifth time?  YUUUUUUP.  At this point, I was willing to go any time.  I just wanted to be out there.  To hang out on the property.  I was now pretty familiar with the 'lay of the land'.  Still, unsure.  Still, SUPER AFRAID.  And still NOT ready for an offer.  But, we went with more family this time.  Craig and I wanted EVERYONE we could think of to see it.  To get their opinion.  To seek advice.  This place isn't just any house.  You NEED people you love to pitch in their opinions and ideas.  To just tell you you are a crazy nut and to walk away or to see your vision and back you up. Either way, we need the advice.  Even if we don't like it.  

This particular time we went, I felt kinda off.  I felt, again, like this isn't right.  It's just too much.  It's disgusting.  It's a money pit.  It could never be what we hope.  Kinda felt defeated, but ok.  It's not like I am unhappy about that.  I am not.  I AM happy where I am.  Good.  Closed.

Did we go a SIXTH time?!  YUUUUUUUP!!  LOL.  We have another close friend who we cherish their opinion.  And, he is also a hard worker and will tell us the TRUTH about the work needed.  Craig was going to meet him out there just to get his opinion on a couple things and asked if I wanted to go.  I though, "UHHH, Heck yes".  So, I hollared at the kids and we jumped in the car.  Craig walked around the property with our friend while I walked around all by myself.  Kids stayed in the A/C in the car on screens.  

It was the best time.  Of all the times I had been there, this was the best.  I walked the property unafraid of what lurked in the bush.  I walked the house.  Every room. And all the time I was doing this, I felt peace.  I prayed out loud the whole time.  At a couple points, each kiddo got out to roam with me.  We walked and explored a little.  I showed Skylar and Carter where Nana and Grandpa's place could be.  It felt good.  I wanted to stay and hang out.  I wanted to stay and start working.  Still, I NEVER want anything the Lord does not have for my life, so i just talked to Him about that the whole time.  

We left.

Later, Craig asked our friend's opinion and he said just what everyone else we had asked said.  Both family members that had been out there, now our good friend.  "Dude, that's a lot of work".  He said much more than that.  Was very honest.  We like those kinds of friends.  Don't "tickle our ears" as Craig says.  We NEED people's input.  NOT just on buying a home, but on life.  

Bottom line of what people and WE say...It is a COOL place.  COULD BE.  It COULD be neat property.  It COULD BE a bad ass house.  BUT, dude, it's just a poo ton of work and could cost a poo ton more money than you even think.  

It's true.  It's a mess.  No, for real. But, this time, I see it.  I don't usually.  I can see a piece of furniture come to life, yes.  This time, I can SEE what this house could be.  And I think I would have a blast making it happen.  I am not emotionally attached to this home because I do not know who built it.  I don't know this family.  I have no connection. But, this time, I can SEE it.  I have the vision of seeing something dead come back to life.  And I want to witness it.  That is the intrigue.  I wish I didn't.  I want to forget it.  I do.  But, I am so afraid that someone is going to rip down that house and start over.  I think it has more life.  I think it has some dang good incredible years to be lived.  And, it's crazy, but I wish I could see it.  

I was sitting in church today and  our pastor, who LOVES to talk about God's amazing grace, said something that I felt was a very parrallell and visual representation of what I am thinking.  GOD welcomes EVERYONE.  No matter your past.  His Grace covers everyone.  He brings life to the dead and forgotten.  He brings BEAUTY from ashes.  He does what humans can not envision.  

I thought of this house immediately.  The process of restoring this house could be an entire year's worth of a devotion book.  The stuff you would find behind the walls once you rip them down, the beauty that is there but covered up by filth of years and years of neglect.  The uncovering of something SO cool you didn't even imagine it could be that cool.  

Spiritually, I see it.  I see this house on the outside.  It's gross.  But, I am on the outside looking in to something that I KNOW could be amazing.  Like, people who are "so far gone".  I am on the outside.  I can see how God could restore you and use you as a beautiful tool to expand His kingdom!!!A marriage that has been unkempt for years.  I am on the outside.  I can SEE the vision of the beauty that COULD BE a beautifully restored marriage that gives HOPE to this crappy world.  I SEE the vision of how great our world could be after this shitty pandemic that is on the outside RUINING everything.  Maybe it is restoring what really matters.  FIRES. Wild fires.  Terrible. Tragic.  BUT, they bring NEW LIFE.  And an incredible beauty.  I LOVE good redemption stories.  Love.  

This may seem dumb.  But, I am wondering if this is why I have been so fixated on this kinda crappy house.  Because, at a time in life when everything SUCKS, there is still this glimmer of hope.  If we are believers and place all of our hope and all of our life in the hands of God, we can not help but see that glimmer. Behind the walls of darkness, you see that sparkle of life that will keep you going.  I can NOT quit and hide when I know to just push forward will bring great reward and great beauty.  

Now, good chance nothing will come of this house.  It is sort of out of our reach at this point.  We are so truly and honestly happy where we are.  I mean, I would be jealous of the person who bought our house if we sold it.  BUT, it has been fun to see it.  To envision "WHAT COULD BE".  It has distracted me from the heartbreaking shit storm that I see every day.  

I am thankful that God has allowed me to dream without being ungrateful for what I have in the present.  To hope without disappointment.  To SEE without being blinded. It's been fun.  I do honestly pray that house and that property gets the chance to be "BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE". 

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For Future Reference, Since No One Reads This Anyways

As I said in my Quarantine Thoughts post in March, I was very aware that by mid April I may super hate this "sheltering at home" situation.  Here we are, the last week of April.  Not that you care,  but I do not super hate it.  Not at all.  Still loving this time at home with my kiddos, the slow pace, my own schedule, no outside commitments.  Just investing all my time into my home and my family.  Which is what my biggest desire is. 

This time had taught me a lot.  I have learned a lot of things about myself, my desires, my family, etc... I have even figured out what Enneagram number (or two) I probably am.  Which makes a lot of my actions make so much sense.  TBH, there are a few things about my personality that I have discovered that I like.  BUT, I see so many things that are just SO ANNOYING about me. 

Anyway.  I have so much to say.  And even though I am home all day, I don't have the time right now to just sit and write.  I am NEVER bored when I am home.  There is ALWAYS something to do.  Moms know. 

Feelin' It

Not that I wasn't concerned before, but the past week has been, well, a little harder.
It seems like I am just on the verge of tears most days.  Emotions right now are SO weird because I don't know actually HOW I feel.  Craig asks if I am ok and I just respond with, "I don't know. I think so?"
It's so strange, right?  I mean, usually when you are sad, annoyed, angry, upset, etc...you know what it's about. You can often put your finger on it, think of a solution, get to the other side.  Whatever.  This isn't like that.

Now, I am not a cryer.  I was in the past.  Someone who would easily cry.  I am not anymore. It's actually pretty rare.  The other night, I CRIED.  Like, for real, ugly, legit tears.  The floodgates opened.  I even asked Craig, "when was the last time you saw me do that?!?!"  Since then, there's been small trickles.  Little things make my eyes wet.  I miss people.  I miss my mom and dad.  I want to hang out with them.  I miss my nieces and nephews. And sisters.  I miss church.  I miss school for my kids.  (Let's be clear, I LOVE having them home, but I am grieving their loss of school this year.  They were ALL having a great year) There are other things I miss right now. Like, TJ MAXX.  But, that I can live without.  I can live without going to a restaurant.  I can live without shopping.  Live without many things.  But, still, my heart feels heavy and I feel like something has been taken from us.   Again, the feelings are just strange.  I can't figure them out.

When I was a senior in high school, my car was broken in to.  I had ALL of my beloved teeny bopper type shit CDs stolen, my wallet with my nanny CASH, driver's liscence, and even my social security card in it. Oh, AND my portable discman.  Ha.  The important things.  I felt so gross getting back in to my car knowing someone had been in there.  Gross.  It was such a violation of my space.  Well, that is all crap I can live without.  And happily, but I was afraid and sad.  Because someone had taken it from me.

Well, this is worse.  Someone has taken HUMAN INTERACTION from us.  This is worse.  The emotion is somehow familiar.  A violation of my right and my space.  But, this is worse.  The world is weird.  I just can't figure out how I feel.

Quarantine Thoughts

So many thoughts the past couple weeks.  None of this post is going to be in any order and may not make any sense.  Like, at all.  Basically, what comes to mind, is going to come out through my fingers.  Don't judge my grammar.

My first thought.  More of the selfish thoughts on all of this craziness...

I AM LOVING THIS. The overall situation the world is in, NO.  Not that. I know people are really really struggling and I honest to goodness wish there was something I could do to help.  I hate how this is just wrecking some lives.  But, I am speaking just to quarantine in general in my own life. I can't feel guilty that I am enjoying this.   I am LOVING that things in our own life have been cancelled.  I am LOVING having my kids home and spending so much time with them.  I am LOVING that our life has slowed down.  I feel like I am finally breathing deeply and that breath is refreshing.  The last time that I felt this great was during the summer when we were Up North.  There are things this past year that I added in to my life that made me feel "too busy". And those things stole so much of my joy in the things that I actually enjoy doing.  I hate rushing around.  I hate it because it makes me impatient and irritated.  Rushing makes me feel like I am always MISSING something.  Missing something with the four people I want to pour my life into the most.  Missing a good conversation with a friend.  Missing blessings right in front of me.  The rushed, filled to the brim kind of life is just not for me.  I realize more and more how much more of an introvert I have become.  I wasn't always like that.  I do miss a good party with friends. But, if I were to choose to stay at home for the evening with my family or go to Happy Hour with girlfriends, I would choose to stay home.  My husband is just my favorite person to hang out with and I super love being with my cool kids.  SO, this time being forced to be at home has made me just super happy.  This has been the best two weeks I have had in such a long time.

Which makes me think...What will I allow back in when all of this is over?  Right now, I am trying really hard to just focus on the day we are in and the moments as they come.  But, then my mind wanders to the near future.  What is the NEW NORMAL going to look like for me and our family?  I think something is going to change.  Something will be different.  I just don't know what yet.  I just don't even want to go back to real life.  Which makes me think, maybe I was more unhappy than I realized. Sometimes you have to be taken out of a situation to even see that you were struggling.  I remember one time saying this after finding a church we loved.  I said, "We were so hungry but we didn't even know it until we were being fed."  I guess that's how I feel about life before March 16.  hmmmmm.

Another thought, this is crazy and also so cool that this isn't just happening here.  This is not just something our country is dealing with.  It is global.  That blows my freakin' mind.  For once, there is something we are ALL going through and ALL trying to get through TOGETHER.  It's something quite incredible.  It's super hard to put in to words.  I hate it for everyone who is really really struggling.  I do.  Hate it. But, there are silver linings here for all of us.  For. Sure.

Another thing.  Random.  I am so sick of people posting their pictures of Zoom meetings. That is not a fun picture to look at.  It looks just like the last one posted.  Hand clap if you're having Zoom get togethers.  We don't need to see another picture of what your computer screen looks like.  It's boring.

Sorta sorry for the sass.  Sorta not.
This sass, too...
The other day, I had to remind myself again why FB bothers me so so much and why I often have to take so many extended breaks from it.  I have been spending WAY more time on social media than normal.  Some of that has been awesome and helps us feel connected in some way.  Helps us to understand how others are dealing with all of this.  But, then, someone posts a super dumb question like, "am I allowed to take a walk in my neighborhood" and then I just get annoyed and have to super roll my eyes.  I am not usually so so annoyed.  Also, coming across an article that a bunch of people are posting on how to make your own hand sanitizer. And then the next article or comment is about how bad it is to attempt your own hand sanitizer.  Just dumb shit like that.  I guess the amount of time spent on FB just makes me a more irritated person.  Therefore, closing the app for the rest of the day. Then I don't have to see those stupid Zoom photos anymore.

What I am loving from social media is seeing so many families just reconnecting.  Some people really are embracing this time and making the absolute most of it.  Our kids are going to remember this forever.  Skylar calls it the "acona virus".  I have not corrected her.  It's just so cute.  They understand that we can not go to places.  I see pictures of peoples families playing games, planting a garden, schooling at home, getting super crafty, taking walks and bikerides together.  I think many of our kids craved this.  In a sense, maybe they could also say, "I didn't know how hungry I was until I was being fed".

I have a lot more to say.  For now, I will end with that.  Right now, I AM LOVING this time. Ask me again mid-April to see where I am at.  I am so aware my mind could change.

All About Annabelle

It's been way way long since I have even logged in to this blog account.  I wondered for a minute if they would even let me back in.  Well, here we are.  Now that we are here, let's move on....

HAPPY WORLD DOWN SYNDROME DAY!!!!!

This day means something to us, obvi.  But, over the last (almost) nine years with Annabelle, it seems days like this have slowly been less celebrated in our house.  I guess the only reason is because both Annabelle and Down Syndrome have just become so normal to us.  In the beginning it was so new, fresh, and actually kind of exciting.  Part of me feels guilty that we let big days like this one slip by without even noticing it.  But, then part of me feels a little bit of joy and relief that this all has become so normal and just part of who we are.

There's a lot of good stuff that I have to say, and some precious pictures of my girl smiling and playing.  To be transparent, and avoid coming across as all rainbows and butterflies, Annabelle and Down Syndrome can be tough. So, I will just say that before giving you the good stuff.  It almost seems like sometimes we reach this point of victory in a certain challenge, only to be faced with a totally different one.  Life, right?  That's just life.  It's life as a parent whether or not your child has special needs.  For Annabelle specifically, these victories often take a long time.  And when they take a long time, a new challenge presents itself right on top of the struggle that's already there.  Sometimes it's exhausting.  Some days we just feel so defeated.  Again, that's just life.  So, I don't feel bad for us.  Or throw the towel in and just give up.  Pursue, nurture, investigate, praise, invest, discipline, and LOVE.  That's how we get through the challenges we face with HER and with each kiddo.

Over the past year or two, we have struggled quite a bit with the environment she spent the majority of her time...SCHOOL.  Again, some days were good, some were bad, and some were just really bad.  This school year specifically, I struggled hard.  Craig and I both did.  We could see Annabelle changing in such a way that we had not experienced yet and we didn't see these changes as 'good'.  Some struggles she has already were just being magnified.  There's not a good way to explain it in words.  And to make a long story, and very long months short, I MISSED HER!  We missed her physically while she was at school, but started missing these parts of her that seemed to almost be disappearing.  Do I understand that this happens to EVERY KID, yes?  But, this felt to both of us that we needed to pay more attention to what may be going on.  And, like close attention.  Such close attention, that in late February I pulled her out of that environment for the remainder of the school year.  I almost did not bring her back to school after Christmas break, but reluctantly did.  But, I could NOT shake the feeling that I NEEDED to take her out.  The mommy gut feeling was so strong for way too long.

Before taking her out, when it was just an idea, I wondered what we would DO!  What would happen to all my freedom?!?!?!  This is the first year since Annabelle was born almost NINE years ago that I haven't had someone with me ALL THE TIME.  Sweet baby Skylar started preschool in September for three days a week.  For three days every week, I HAD ALONE TIME!   It was a magical time of life.  And I really enjoyed it.  If you are a stay at home mom, I know you can relate to how magical this time was.  ;) . But, then, something in my mind changed from "aww dang! There goes MY time!"  to "I will have at least three days a week to JUST focus on ANNABELLE! Yay! I haven't had that since Carter was born.  This is going to be so great!"

And, y'all, it has been great. Well, I mean, mostly. ;)   I am getting to know Annabelle all over again.  And THAT is magical.  To get right down to the issues of "what the 'H' is going on with our Annabelle?!?" it's going to take TIME to...pursue, nurture, investigate, praise, invest, discipline, and LOVE.  So, this is where we are now. With Down Syndrome.  With Annabelle.  With parenting.  With life.

(These two pictures) This is a morning after she would NOT get out of the car when I was trying to bring her to school.  (which was happening more and more frequently)  I said "Fine. I don't want you to get out anyway, so lets go home!"  She was pretty happy about that.  Sure, you can't make that choice for every child, and I do know that I may recieve some judgement. Like this:  "You're spoiling her" or "You shouldn't give in just 'cause she doesn't want something" or "This is going to make it harder for her to return to school next year".  She isn't their kid. She's the kid that God gave to ME.  Parent your child and make decisions for them based on YOUR parenting.  Not everyone else's.  Worry 'bout 'yoself!

Here's how you can "homeschool" when you're out and about.  Take her to an arcade to play and receive tickets.  Work on math when choosing the appropriate prize for the amount of tickets you have.  Math time for the day! 💥

"HOMESCHOOLING".  Working on those fine motor skills with chopsticks! 😉

More "out and about homeschooling" Story Time Pottery Painting and Library time!!

So far, we have had a really great time together.  We just hang out.  She sticks by me when there are things that I just have to go do and we have made the most of it.  We have had the freedom to explore her world a little more and just see where she is at.  We play a LOT.  And we also mother-daughter fight real good.  It's a new adventure, and we have just a couple months left of it before it is summer and "Annabelle/Mommy time" becomes everyone's time.

Pray for us if you think of it.  That this time I have with my girl will be so fruitful and amazing even through it's super tough challenges.

Harvey's Got Me Thinkin'...

Been a while since a post.  But, I am feeling really passionate right now, and need to get it out! This might get long.  I don't care. I'm a rambler.

As you know, my sweet state of Texas has been pummeled by tropical storm, Harvey.  With this storm many have lost their homes, some have lost their lives and there is SO much devastation.  I have been in tears watching the news coverage, just knowing that lives have changed forever.  It's so sad.

Let me back up just a little bit before I get in to the reason I sat down to write.  My sweet little family took a little vacation a couple of weeks ago to the gorgeous state of Minnesota.  We had a wonderful, delightful time with people we love so much and left on a good note.  We headed home on a Monday morning, around 4:30 AM or so.  After a LONG day of driving, we pulled in to the driveway at almost midnight.  We were exhausted.  Exhausted, happy to be home safely and ready for our own, cozy beds!!  Craig opened the door with one sleepy kiddo in his arms, and I trailed behind with another sleepy kiddo.  He immediately turned around and said, "oh no, we have a problem".

Welp, THAT'S not what you want to hear when you come home. EVER.  Much less after a long trip.  Long story short, the ceiling in our living room was leaking in a few places.  Like a lot.  Our couch had remnants of sheetrock from a small part of the ceiling coming down.  Come to find out, the AC upstairs had backed up at some point while we were gone.  And flooded. And leaked. And gross.  The carpet in the living room was pretty much ruined and the room smelled terrible.  So, that came up pretty quick and is garbage.  We have been living on cement floors in the living room, but it hasn't really been that bad.  Not pretty, but livable for now.  ;)

This past weekend, Craig finally got the time to rip out the ceiling.  Like, the whole ceiling in the living room.  Our tiny dining room has also become living space, with a loveseat and coffee table.  Our dining table pushed up against the kitchen island, losing a few spots to sit.  The living room is off limits, with each entry way covered up with plastic to prevent dust from getting in and kids from getting out.  A real adventure over here, y'all.  We do have a playroom on the first floor, so that is where we spent a whole lot of time this past weekend.

Harvey brought rain to our part of Texas ALL weekend.  Such a good time to be "demo-Day-ing" a house right?!?!?  We cray.  While in the playroom with the kids on Saturday morning, I stepped in something wet.  Assuming the kids had spilled something, I began to ask and blame.  Then something dripped on my head.   Another leak, y'all!!!!!  And over the weekend as rain clouds just lived over our house, it got worse and worse.  (eye roll)  With the ceiling all opened up in the living room, we also spotted about 3 leaks that we didn't know about.  YAY!  (eye roll) . So, sweet Craig climbed up on the roof yesterday, in the rain, to figure out a solution.  He came back in and said to me, "Well, I think I fixed them.  I put about a gallon of it up there".  I just nodded and said something like, "ok, that's good", while in my mind I was all, " A GALLON OF WHAT?! I have no idea what he's talking about, but he sounds sure and confident, so ok, good".  Well, come to find out later last night after asking him about it, he put some sort of tar for the roof that is meant for stuff like this.  Whatever, i don't know.  All i know is that whatever my mighty man did up there fixed the problem.  Even if it's just temporary.

Ok, sigh, all of this story is to share with you my "feelies" today about what's going on in the Schmidt Castle and how all these happenings with Harvey are so heavy on my heart.  God is doing something personally in my life and in my heart because of this storm.  I told my MOPS leadership team all about our house last night as we went around the table sharing prayer requests.  While this is real and it is happening to my house right NOW, other peoples homes just south of me are GONE.  Their roof leaked.  Their carpet was ruined.  Their couches got sheetrock on them.  But, not JUST LIKE MINE.  They can't just call the insurance today and have someone come give them a quote to get it all fixed so that they can move back in next week.  Or next month.  My heart is breaking as I asked people to pray for MY situation the SAME weekend that other people are probably like, "MAN! I wish I could live in your no ceiling, no floor living room!"  Therefore, none if this will I selfishly complain about.  My heart is so crushed for those people.  They are SWIMMING out of their homes, y'all!

 I told Craig that I wished we could have some evacuees come stay with us.  Or that we could DO something.  It is so hard to watch the news and not just want to get your hands in there to HELP.  To make them a warm meal.  Or give them a hot shower and warm clothes.  Or brush their little girls wet, dirty hair.  That may sound silly, but I am serious.  (Craig doesn't know this yet, but I have even considered giving them our living and dining furniture.  We have been forced in to remodel anyways, why not just get rid of the WHOLE living room. ;) )  I am chomping at the bit to do something.  And I feel helpless.  So,  I pray.  For the right person to meet the right person.  For the safety of those who were also chomping at the bit and WENT.  For provision of necessities.  For peace.  For HOPE, new friendships, and changed lives for the better.  This looks like an awful situation, but for someone, even just one, this could be an open door to a new life.  A healing of sorts.  A new road to freedom.

 Freedom gives us room for change.  WE are free to change.  To grow.  To learn. To change our minds and our ideas.  As I look back over this dusty blog, I can see ways that I have changed.  How my marriage has changed.  Our little family dynamics have changed.  I see all of that as freedom.  Freedom to know that it is OK.  Life changes you.  Hurricane Harvey is changing my heart as I sit here and stare at my house that seems to be in shambles.  While it's not fun, I just can NOT complain about this.  The Lord is expanding my heart, He is BEING my patience, He is BEING my love, He is BEING my Peace, He is BEING my joy.  Harvey has changed many people's lives and my prayer is that through this tragedy, they will experience freedom.  And that they can also experience the God who can also BE these things for them right now.



*For real, someone please tell me where I can drop off clothes, toys, food and maybe even furniture ;)  for one of these families that needs it.  Love you longtime.

PS, I have so much more on my mind that I would like to take time to put down in a blog post.  But, I'll save it.  Maybe I've started something back up. who knows?

PPS...My kids, you guys!  I bragged about how wonderful on our trip to Minnesota.  Stuck in a car ALL day, and they were wonderful . Then, they adjusted to each adventure we were on.  Each place they slept.  While it wasn't perfect, because life just isn't, it was pretty darn near close.  THEN, Y'ALL!  This past weekend.  I expected some bad behavior. Some meltdowns.  I mean, their house is not quite homey or what it once was, and they were AMAZING.  They really do look at this as an adventure I think.  I mean, a couch in the kitchen?!?!  Sugary snacks all day?!?! Extra ipad time?!?!? Hahahaha!  For real though.  Just a small gift from God this past weekend.  Reminding me that He cares for me, for them and for the 'small stuff'!