FOUR

Our sweet Annabelle Grace is FOUR years old today.  As I am reminiscing about the day I gave birth to my first child, so many emotions come rushing in.  I am re-reading the first post that I wrote about her on this blog, 13 days after her birthday.  HER STORY.

 It is funny as I am reading it, how my vocabulary in terms of Down Syndrome has changed a little bit. I have read over that post a few times in the last four years, but never want to go back and change things I wrote, because it is all kind of raw as far as my emotions at the time. And, I did not have much knowledge of what DS is, and what may or may not be the 'right' vocabulary to use.  Things like "Downs child", and I said 'Downs" a lot.  Which, I have learned isn't exactly the proper thing to say I guess.  And it's not super appropriate to define a person by what they have.  Like saying "Downs child".  Rather saying, "a child with Down Syndrome".  Some get offended by those things.  I try not to, knowing that a lot of people just don't know that.  I didn't 4 years ago.  But, I kind of get it.  She is many many more things than a girl with Down Syndrome.  MANY more things define my beautiful girl.  (THIS whole subject could be an entire blog post in itself.  One I may sit down to write someday soon.)

My love for this little girl is the same, if not deeper, than it was that day in 2010.  Reading all that I wrote makes my eyes well up with tears because it brings me back to that place. My chest feels heavy remembering all that my heart felt.  It's overwhelming.  The birth of my daughter rocked and changed my world and the world of those that are in my life.  The birth of that girl rocked and changed my marriage, my relationship with my Savior, the relationships in my immediate and extended family and changed me in ways I could never ever explain.  Having a child changes you in such crazy ways anyways, but having a child with special needs does something else.  It altered my perspective on life.  God knew EXACTLY what Craig and I NEEDED.  We NEEDED Annabelle.  And we NEEDED her to have Down Syndrome.  God's gift of this little girl, this little girl with Down Syndrome, is something I will never take for granted. I would never ever change this gift.  There are certain things that were said to me after her birth that I have never forgot.  Two in particular.

1. "It's OK to grieve the life she would have had."  Someone said this to me the day after she was born.  A sweet, dear friend of mine.  I wasn't sure how to take this.  I wasn't sure if I was upset my this.  But, I have thought about it for four years, and I am finally getting it.   Never did I feel upset about who she was.  Ever.  But, I do wish, FOR HER SAKE, that things came easier to her.  I don't want her to have to struggle with things that come easy for others.  But, as a parent, it's hard to watch your child struggle at all.  You want to fix it and make things easier.  She has a hard time with some simple things, some simple milestones, and I wish those things were easier for HER. 

2. Somebody that I don't know told someone that I DO know something kind of like this, "Katie is in kind of a honeymoon stage. She's not upset about the diagnosis yet, but she probably will be."   UHHH, excuhhuuse me?    After Annabelle was born, it is true, I was in a 'honeymoon' stage.  I was loving EVERY minute of it.  Loving EVERY minute of this little girl.  Cherishing WHO she was and the amazing gift that was wrapped up so beautifully and placed in my lap.  Y'all, it's four years later, and I am still there.  No, I am not, and have never been upset about her diagnosis.  Never was I ever upset with God or did I sit and ask him "WHY?"  I never grieved about her diagnosis.  Like I said, I would love for things to be easier for her, for HER sake, but not for mine.  Craig and I were given an UNCONDITIONAL love for that sweet girl. Here is what good ol' Wikipedia has to say about unconditional love...

"Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism, complete love, or "mother's/father's love." Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging."

 My love for Annabelle has NO BOUNDS, and is UNCHANGING.  

 I am so thankful for her, and for the last four years that we have had with her.  She's an incredible child, and teaches me new things ALL the time. Her joy and her love is contagious. I want to be like her when I grow up.  Ha ha.  For real though, she is just amazing.  It has been a beautiful four years.  We are looking forward to a million more.

My Little Family

Last weekend, we were able to get some family pictures taken, and we are so happy how they turned out.  I am pretty confident that I have the two cutest kids of all time.

ANYWAYS, besides all that cuteness, I wanted to update about the pregnancy a bit.  Pretty uneventful, which I am thankful for.  The queesy tummy and aversions to all smells is pretty much gone.  Exhaustion is the worst part right now. I get SOOOOO tired.  We had our first little ultrasound on March 20, and everything looks good so far.  

How far along? 15 +Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 5 lbs.

 Maternity clothes? Pants, yes. I was getting ready for MOPS the other day, and wanted to wear a cute outfit.  I almost decided to just not go because NONE of my regular pants would fit.  Even the belly band wasn't helping.  My body changed pretty quickly already.  Looks like it's maternity pants and skirts from here until the end.  

Stretch marks? No
Best moment this week: Discussing name ideas with Craig.  He makes me laugh every time we talk about names because he comes up with the most outrageous names.  I mean, names that no one would name their child.  Mostly because he can't think of anything.  He came up with a sweet girl name the other day, though. ;)

Miss anything: More energy.  And I still miss running.  The 10 mile race that I had signed up for before being surprised by this pregnancy is coming up this weekend.  I am not running it, and it bums me out a whole lot.
Movement: I'm not sure if the little bit that I have felt is baby or if it's just gas.
Food cravings: YES!  A week ago I was craving strawberries SO bad.  I got a little belly ache from eating them. And I also craved the lime tostito chips.  Actually, I went through a carton of strawberries in two days and a bag of chips in about 2 or 3 days.  Yikes.  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really
Have you started to show yet: Yes.  everywhere.

  Gender: No idea.  We find out April 29.  
Labor Signs: No.

  Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? On. Most likely won't come off.  Never did with other two pregnancies.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Both. 
Looking forward to: Seeing some friends at the end of this week.

Good News

The yearly blood draw for Annabelle has always made me feel very anxious.  Not only because I hate to watch her cry while they take blood from her arm, but because I fear what the results will be.  I don't even know everything they test for her, but still get worried that something will come back not quite right.  I actually avoided this last blood draw for almost a year.  Not really on purpose,  it just happened that way.

A couple weeks ago, Annabelle spent the night in the hospital with a yucky respiratory infection.  It was so sad to see her feeling so sick.  She had to be on oxygen overnight and slowly weaned off.  It reminded me so much of almost four years ago watching them wean her off of oxygen and other things while in the NICU.  We knew what to watch for and what her 'numbers' should be.  After all of that was over and done with, we really knew we HAD to get those labs done and stop putting it off.  Last Monday, I took her in to finally get them done and two days later got a call from her pediatrician saying that everything looked great and normal.  YAY!

Annabelle is a generally healthy kid for the most part, and spunky and vibrant.  When she isn't feeling well, you know it.  She just isn't herself.  I am so so thankful for her health, and so so grateful for the good news about her blood work.  I am, however, SO OVER these yucky winter illnesses.  Like runny noses, coughs, sore throats, etc...  It seems to have lasted ALL winter in this house.  As soon as one of us feels better, another feels yucky.  It's been a cycle.  And Annabelle and Carter constantly have yucky noses.  :/  BLEH!

Some pics from the last month or so...

I am very much looking forward to warmer weather and spring time.  It helps with the yucky sicknesses, and also helps with our overall mood around here.  I plan to spend a lot of time with these two kiddos outside and at the park.  Maybe exploring new places we have never been.  Can't wait.

As far as pregnancy, I am feeling a lot better physically.   I seem to have a little bit more energy, am not feeling as nauseous, smells aren't bothering me as bad, etc... Mentally I am also feeling better about things.  Getting more and more excited to add one more to our little family.  This week I FINALLY have my first doctor appointment.  I am hoping to hear a sweet heartbeat and hoping that this appointment will put my mind at ease about some things.  :)  When I was pregnant with Carter, I did a little Q&A every now and then.  I might try to do that on the blog again as something to look back on...

How far along? 12 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 2-3 lbs.

 Maternity clothes? yes, already!  yikes!  Maternity jeans, and the belly band that allows me to keep my other jeans unbuttoned.  :0  
Stretch marks? No
Best moment this week: nothing to do with pregnancy, but the good news we got about Annabelle. 

Miss anything: yes...being able to fit in my clothes without being uncomfortable, and RUNNING.
Movement: No.  Totally looking forward to it.
Food cravings: Not really cravings I don't think.  I just want to eat everything that is so bad for me.  :/
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not too bad anymore. 
Have you started to show yet: Yes.  Getting harder to hide that bump.  I popped out really fast.

  Gender: No idea, and I have no feeling of what it may be either way.
Labor Signs: No.

  Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? On. Most likely won't come off.  Never did with other two pregnancies.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Both. 
Looking forward to: Spring time weather and to NOT work anymore.  :)

BABY Number Three!

A few things I wanted to avoid in my third pregnancy:
     -Being 'big' pregnant through another Texas summer.
     -Being in the same house
     -Being pregnant with my sister again. (ONLY to allow her to have her own pregnancy and enjoy HER time. I loved being pregnant with her last time, which was unplanned, but very awesome that it happened.)
     -Not being mentally or physically ready to take on another pregnancy or another baby.

God had other plans.  Much to our surprise, God has blessed us with our third pregnancy.  At our first January MOPS meeting this year, I was sitting with a group of girls discussing the year ahead.  I said these words, " My goal is to not have another baby this year.  Not in 2014."  A couple short weeks later, I peed on a stick and got a clear as day PLUS sign.  I had been waiting and waiting for my period to appear any day, and it just wasn't coming.  It was a Sunday afternoon after church, and Craig and I were eating Little Cesar's pizza at the kitchen table.  We jokingly started talking about how I was missing my period, but that there was no way I could be pregnant.  I started to actually really really stress out about it.  Almost to tears.  So, Craig said he would run and grab a test just to ease my mind about it.  As soon as he got back, I went in the bathroom to take the test.  After I saw the plus sign, I just sat down and had to breathe a minute.  I was sort of in shock.  I expected it to be negative, and to get on with my day.  I came in the living room, and started crying and showed Craig the stick.  He held me while I was the one to have a little panic attack.  He was totally calm and kept telling me it would be ok, all with a big smile on his face.  He was also shocked, but held it together so much better than I was.  I took a deep breath, went for a nice run/walk by myself, and came back feeling much better.

The next morning, I called my dad right away.  I needed to talk to him and have him come pray with me while I spilled my heart, and my raw feelings about the whole thing.  My dad is always encouraging and can always give me direction towards the Lord.  He was overjoyed when I told him the news, of course.  And he was even more excited that He was, for once, the first one in our family to know something.  :)  I told him how I felt so bad about my reaction to the news.  When I found out I was pregnant with Annabelle and Carter, I was SO EXCITED.   This time, because it was a surprise, I didn't have those same feelings.  I felt guilty about that.  I kept saying, "I'm not ready for this.  Our family is not ready for this."  BUT, God is ready for this and knows exactly what our family needs.  I have bonded with this little one already because of that.  I know that this child is what we need, and that we need him or her right at this time.  That makes me so thankful and has totally changed the way I feel about the whole thing.  It only took a couple of days for me to get over that shock, and then really cherish what was happening.

There were a few things I had planned for 2014.  Things that I really wanted to do and accomplish.  Some of them personal things.  The news of another pregnancy totally changed that, and some of those goals will be pushed back a while.  That's ok.  I'm having another child! So, all of that is ok.

After Annabelle was born, I KNEW we would have more kids.  I always thought three. (total)  ALWAYS.  As soon as Carter was born, I still felt that someone was missing.  It is strange that I felt this way, but I did for a long time after he was born.  I knew we weren't finished.  Our family wasn't totally complete yet.  It was a feeling I could never shake.  Even on the most stressful and overwhelming days with two kids, I knew that another one would some day be in this mix of chaos.  So, although this baby is a surprise RIGHT NOW, it's not a surprise that we are adding to our sweet little family.

I desire to really enjoy this pregnancy.  Really soak it all up and not hope to speed through it.  I don't necessarily LOVE being pregnant, so it makes me a very anxious person for 9 months.  But, I hope to really enjoy the little things that pregnancy can bring.  Ya know, like nicer boobs and strong nails!!  Ha ha, just kidding.  Kind of.  But, really.  If you pray for us, THAT is what I ask you to pray for.  For joy, peace and contentment through all of this.  Seems like it has actually been a bit stressful in different ways, and I don't want that.  I have been SO tired lately.  Tired sometimes to the point of tears.  I am looking forward to the second trimester, when things like that seem to diminish at least a little bit.

OH, and I am also kind of thankful that I will be pregnant through another summer.  The reason is because I can wear skirts and tank tops and be totally comfortable.  I HATE wearing pants when I am pregnant, so God knew what He was doing there.  Also, my sister and I being pregnant together is a blessing.  She, of course, was not upset to hear it was happening again.  Also, this house isn't so bad.  I hoped for a bigger house when our family grew some more, but this will work.  It has worked so far, and will continue to. We are cozy here, but cozy is nice.  And, since I totally don't feel mentally or physically ready for all of this, I am forced to totally rely on the Lord for strength and to actually accept the help from other people when they offer.

Will update as often as I can about how pregnancy is going.  It's all been such a whirlwind that I haven't even been to my first doctor's appointment.  Yipes.

"You're gonna miss this."

"I can't wait till the kids get older."

"I can't wait till Carter grows out of his super 'needy' stage."

"I can't wait till life's a little easier."

"I can't wait till Annabelle can..."

"I cant' wait until..."

All things I catch myself saying that are actually not true. 

Today, I had about a million bags and lunchboxes hanging off of my arms, as I was pushing a stroller through the cold rain, and wrangling another child while saying, "please just keep walking".  I saw a mom in the same parking lot who has two older children, like elementary age, and I said under my breath, "I can't wait till the kids are older".  In moments where I am chasing both kids around the car, and loading them into the car while they are cranky, hungry and tired, I say that, too.  When my arms are not only full of stuff, but also BOTH children, I say that.  But, it's not true.  I don't actually wish they were older.  And i CAN wait until they are older.  I love the stage that they are in, and really want to soak it all up.  I don't want to rush life, and then miss it.  

Carter has been a very 'needy' little boy.  And for some reason, the times he needs me the most seem to be the times that I am busy.  He tugs and my pant legs and pushes me away from the counter when I am in the kitchen.  He follows me around the house crying when I am trying to get housework done.  There have been times that I will hide around the corner in my own house just so he doesn't see me and realize he needs something.  That sounds funny, but it's true.  Some moments I feel like the demands of him, housework, Annabelle AND being a wife are just too much for one person to handle.  My own needs and desires are always pushed aside, and that can be a little draining.  In those moments, I say things that aren't true.  Things like, "I can't wait till Carter grows out of this stage."  As if, in that moment, it would be just so much easier.  But, I DON'T wish him to grow out of this stage too fast.  I know that someday I will look back and miss his extra hugs, his extra snuggles.  I will miss that he needed me so so much.  

Having young kids is a challenge in so many ways.   But, I love those little whipper snappers so much.  It's awesome watching little people grow up. As a mom who is with them, well, ALWAYS, it is a lot of pressure to make sure that they are growing up in a good way.  That they are being molded and shaped into little people that will impact the world around them.  The responsibility I feel every day to take care of them is more than I can bear sometimes.  But, I feel that this is where God wants me to be.  To understand that in my own strength,  I can not love and raise those children.  The Lord's strength is the ONLY thing that will get me through each day and each little moment every day.  The moments when I lie to myself and wish that something was different.  THOSE are the moments when I need to totally be drawing on the Holy Spirit to help me live the life He has given me.  I get to unwrap new gifts from the Lord every day, and how rude of me to complain about those gifts, wishing they were bigger or better.  I desire to live in a state of dependence and thankfulness to Him. 

LOVE this song so much...

OH, and I am pregnant with my third sweet baby!  More on that later.  But, after watching that video again, I am just an emotional ball of tears.  Will hold my sweet kiddos tight and giggle about these tears in a sec...