When the urge to write strikes, I have to take it. I have a lot to say about a recent adventure in our lives. I say adventure, because during this crazy time of life when pretty much everything sucks and going in public is more annoying than rewarding, then this is the closest thing to an adventure that we have. And I think that is kind of cool. I don't know about you, but since March 2020, I have changed. I KNOW you have changed, also. One thing I will forever take away from all of this is how LITTLE I need. How LITTLE my family needs. I would live in a one room studio without toys and technology and pretty things as long as I have my family. As long as I am under the same roof as my bad ass husband and my seriously amazing children, I need nothing else. Except Jesus. But, that's a given. You know me well, then you know that is my heart. But, when it comes down to "it", whatever "it" is, just let me have my family. Take everything else.
Here's a short-as-I-can-make-it backstory. We bought our house in the summer of 2015. At the time, it needed 'work' and Craig, and the men in our family, made it close to perfect for us to move in. At the time, I felt like God's favor shined on us and I was just humbled and grateful that we were even able to get this house. (I won't go deeper into our past than just this specific season. That would take too long. But, I will say, Craig and I went through some MAJOR financial and heartbreaking financial struggles early on in our marriage. Struggles that a lot of early married's would may not make it through. But, we made it. We learned a lot. And I think it gave us a great perspective. Like most struggles do when you look at them the right way.)
At the time of getting this house, I leaned in to the Greek word...xapis. I wanted it written on our door post, but never did it. Here is what xapis means...(from Wiktionary) .
From the same root as χαίρω (khaírō, “to be happy”). In the religious sense, it was first used in the Septuagint as a translation of the Hebrew word חֵן (ḥēn), for instance in Genesis 6:8:
וְנֹ֕חַ מָ֥צָא חֵ֖ן בְּעֵינֵ֥י יְהוָֽה׃
- wə-nōaḥ māṣāʾ ḥēn bə-ʿēynēy yəhwāh.
- And Noah found grace in the eyes of YHWH.
I felt the favor of God. He gave us this house as a gift and I was SO grateful.
Fast forward FIVE years. We have discussed and planned for a big remodle on our home for a couple years. We have tossed around ideas on how to give ourselves more space in the home we are in. A bigger kitchen, more space to entertain, more space for the kids to spread out as they play, etc... We kind of are bursting at the seems here. Our lives have changed in five years, and our children have grown. It makes me feel ungrateful when I say I want more space, because I would be happy here forever if that is what the Lord had. But, I can't help but feel like as we grow, our walls grow IN. When I say we have planned this for a couple years, I do mean that. We were just about to take the plunge. Go to the bank. Submit some plans. Bash down a couple walls. THEN, we found a house.
We were NOT actively looking for a house. I mean, I look at Realtor.com all the time just to see what is out there. And we look often just to see what houses are going for in our neighborhood. It gives us a good idea of what our house may appraise for. BUT, we have been happy. Settled. Content to stay put. Basically, we are just REALLY picky and it would take something wonderful to make either one of us leave this place we gladly call "home".
So, it was perfect. This house. Perfect. I got wrapped up in how incredible it would be. Not only for us, but for our family and friends. How we could share it. Open it up to incredible possiblilites of community and togetherness. Which is something we are craving in this strange world we are now in. We threw out an offer. It caught us off guard that we even THOUGHT about moving. That was NOT on our radar. But, then we thought about it. And thought about it more. And discussed all that 'could be'.
Our offer was refused. I wasn't surprised. We did offer way less than asking price on the PERFECT house. It was fine. I didn't cry. I did NOT want anything that the Lord was not giving us. I desire to be in the middle of His perfect will and that perfect house was not perfect for us. I guess. So, we let it go. Discussed doing some basic, minimal and affordable things in this house we call home. We were good with that. Like, comfortable and content good. It was fine.
Then, we saw the house. THE house. (Insert eye roll).
Craig came across a house while perusing Realtor or Zillow. Big house. (nice) TWELVE acres. (double nice) . So, one Saturday after we had been at the lake all morning with my family, we decided to take a little drive in to the "country" to see where the house was. We called the number on the sign out by the long driveway. The guy was the owner of the property. Said it was empty, the doors were open and to just go on in and look around. "Ooooh fun!" I thought. So, we drove up the dusty driveway, back in to some huge trees and saw the house.
We put on a movie for the kids, and jumped out.
First reaction..."This is rough, babe". But, we meandered through the house together. It was hot and stuffy. Dimly lit. Dirty. OLD. And smelled like an over-crowded antique store. (If you know that smell, then you have been to some damn good antique stores) I was afraid what we may see every time we opened a closet door or entered a new room. But I was SO intrigued. Like, what is the story here? Who lived here? What was this space used for? What did this look like years ago? I love history. So does Craig. So, we were SO intrigued.
I was standing in this gross, outdated kitchen leaning on the center island when Craig said, "turn around" and he was about to take my pic. I gave a sassy over the shoulder look and he giggled. He said, "here's your new kitchen". I said, "ya right. If it is, I'll frame this picture and hang it in here to look back at someday". In my mind thinking, "ya right. But, well, maybe. meh?"
We had a great time. We explored. Just the two of us on this property. I would not trek through the land. It was over grown and looked "snakey". We mentioned a few times about how my mom would like this or that. Bottom line, this place was a project. Huge. We left.
When we left, we were talking about how much my mom and dad NEED to see this place. Just to see it. Not, that we are thinking of ACTUALLY getting this monstrosity of a project, but just cause it really was "groovy" and "so 70's". So, I called mom. Dad was napping from being on the lake all day, like I mentioned. She said they would come as soon as he got up. So, as soon as she called, we loaded the kids again and headed back out. This place is in the 'country', but IN our town. Like, perfect distance to things, but far enough away where you don't hear I-35 or airplanes taking off. You hear wind in the trees and locust and...silence.
Mom and dad had the reaction I thought they would. This place was pretty cool. Stuff they would have seen in 'their day'. We talked about the dream of having them get a small piece and build a little house. Craig's parents getting a small piece and building a place. Now, most people would not think this was cool. To have your parents on the same land that you live on. But, Craig and I are not most people. We quite like our parents and their presence. We would love to have property where Pops and Momma Pearl were there, at a comfortable enough distance. AND FOR SURE would love to have a spot where Craig's parents could get out of Minnesota winters for a part of it and be close to us. We would love to see our kids spend more time with them and for us to also enjoy their presence. We may be weird. We both like our parents. Yes, that much. LOL.
Anyways, then we left. Enjoyed a fun dinner at our place with Pops and Momma Pearl and then kinda decided maybe keep this place in the back of our minds.
Next day. I did a TON of "research" that some may call "stalking". No, it is research. I found out a lot about the property. Who lived there. Who built it. Where they came from. Etc... I learned a lot.
Craig did his own, man kind of research. About logistics, and building and permits and counties and whatever else...
Then, called owner. Went back. Just me and Craig. We met with the owner. Stood in the driveway for like an hour an learned even MORE about the property. So much more. This place is cool. But, SO complicated. Weird. But, SO intriguing. We left thinking, "well. We can't do this. It's just too much". I mean, it is a project. a HUGE project. It is NOT just "lipstick and rougue". It is an intense makeover to see this house AND this property be brought back to life. Like, a huge undertaking. We kind of agreed to put it out of our minds. And told the owner that we just can't do it.
You know what sucks about that? LOL. I am married to a man who has vision. He's quite incredible when it comes to vision. And he is a freakin' hard worker. He is NOT a quitter. And I have never seen him afraid of work. He sees potential. And, man, he can make it happen. He is ok with failing as long as he tries. Gosh, as I am writing this, it's kind of inspiring. I am more of a "stay where it is comfortable" kind of person. I can see an ugly, old piece of furniture and take it home to bring it back to life with a little elbow grease and paint. But, that is much smaller than an entire house. I have refinished our same dining table and chairs like five times cause " I see that it can be more beautiful". I mean, I am also not a quitter. I will finish something I set my mind to and I love to set goals and accomplish them. But, I play on a smaller scale of comfort, where he is playing way above that. He has taught me a lot.
Ok, so, the next week. I kept thinking about that house. I started a Pinterest board and dreamed of all this place could be. I listened to all the excuses in my head that said, "it's really not that bad." "You can do so much." "This place could be SO amazing". I filled my Wayfair cart full of all the area rugs that would be "so perfect in this space". I let my mind wander and wander and wander. Then, it came up again. I kinda knew Craig had also been thinking about it. So, I asked him, "have you also been thinking about this house all week?" "YES". So, one evening, we went back. (face-in-palm) Like, WHY!?!?!? Are we really this bored?!?!? I mean, we are seriously NOT unhappy where we are living. We quite love our little corner house. So, WHY are we still thinking about this house. The house that looks like a freakin MESS. It looks like someone is going to bulldoze this home and start over. For real. So, why?!? Like, get it out of my head already, Lord.
Here was round FOUR. The fourth time for us to go. We went with Heidi, Craig's sweet sister. This time, we let the kids out for a little bit. They were loud and ran around like it was a playground, like they usually do. Everywhere is a playground. I realized while they ran around how PERFECT this house was for a dang good game of hide and seek! Like, just the best. Again, the more we walked around, the more we saw how much work this would take. But, I liked it. I was starting to WANT to be there. To be on this property and walk in to this gross house. Damnit. I don't WANT to WANT something I can't actually see happening. This time we left, and I liked it. Was scared out of my britches that I actually liked it. I just wanted to forget it.
So, real scoop. It's probably 'worth' asking price because it IS twelve acres. But, we don't see the value in the property because of the amount of work and money it would take to bring this house AND this twelve acres back to life. For OUR personal pocket book, it just doesn't work. MAYBE someone with a ton of cash wants this place and will make it amazing. That is what it would take. There, that is real talk. What money is WORTH spending on this?
SO, sigh...I still didn't forget this. Still thought about it. But, it was fading more as a memory and something fun we got to see and envision. We were in no way ready to make a real offer. Here's why...
We could. We could make that "BALLSY" offer like we did on the other place. Way below asking price. We could stretch ourselves thin and MAKE this happen. We could. But, we both do believe that "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away". We also don't believe in doing something hastily or aggressively when we don't know for sure if it is something WE are forcing to happen, or if the Lord is making it happen. There's a clear distinction. We have lived it. We have seen it. And we are on the same page in being willing to WAIT for the Lord's clear direction. Hence, part of the perspective we learned early early on in our marriage. We are not willing to force something. Or "put the cart before the horse" as my dad would say. (Good advice, BTW)
Did we go back for a fifth time? YUUUUUUP. At this point, I was willing to go any time. I just wanted to be out there. To hang out on the property. I was now pretty familiar with the 'lay of the land'. Still, unsure. Still, SUPER AFRAID. And still NOT ready for an offer. But, we went with more family this time. Craig and I wanted EVERYONE we could think of to see it. To get their opinion. To seek advice. This place isn't just any house. You NEED people you love to pitch in their opinions and ideas. To just tell you you are a crazy nut and to walk away or to see your vision and back you up. Either way, we need the advice. Even if we don't like it.
This particular time we went, I felt kinda off. I felt, again, like this isn't right. It's just too much. It's disgusting. It's a money pit. It could never be what we hope. Kinda felt defeated, but ok. It's not like I am unhappy about that. I am not. I AM happy where I am. Good. Closed.
Did we go a SIXTH time?! YUUUUUUUP!! LOL. We have another close friend who we cherish their opinion. And, he is also a hard worker and will tell us the TRUTH about the work needed. Craig was going to meet him out there just to get his opinion on a couple things and asked if I wanted to go. I though, "UHHH, Heck yes". So, I hollared at the kids and we jumped in the car. Craig walked around the property with our friend while I walked around all by myself. Kids stayed in the A/C in the car on screens.
It was the best time. Of all the times I had been there, this was the best. I walked the property unafraid of what lurked in the bush. I walked the house. Every room. And all the time I was doing this, I felt peace. I prayed out loud the whole time. At a couple points, each kiddo got out to roam with me. We walked and explored a little. I showed Skylar and Carter where Nana and Grandpa's place could be. It felt good. I wanted to stay and hang out. I wanted to stay and start working. Still, I NEVER want anything the Lord does not have for my life, so i just talked to Him about that the whole time.
We left.
Later, Craig asked our friend's opinion and he said just what everyone else we had asked said. Both family members that had been out there, now our good friend. "Dude, that's a lot of work". He said much more than that. Was very honest. We like those kinds of friends. Don't "tickle our ears" as Craig says. We NEED people's input. NOT just on buying a home, but on life.
Bottom line of what people and WE say...It is a COOL place. COULD BE. It COULD be neat property. It COULD BE a bad ass house. BUT, dude, it's just a poo ton of work and could cost a poo ton more money than you even think.
It's true. It's a mess. No, for real. But, this time, I see it. I don't usually. I can see a piece of furniture come to life, yes. This time, I can SEE what this house could be. And I think I would have a blast making it happen. I am not emotionally attached to this home because I do not know who built it. I don't know this family. I have no connection. But, this time, I can SEE it. I have the vision of seeing something dead come back to life. And I want to witness it. That is the intrigue. I wish I didn't. I want to forget it. I do. But, I am so afraid that someone is going to rip down that house and start over. I think it has more life. I think it has some dang good incredible years to be lived. And, it's crazy, but I wish I could see it.
I was sitting in church today and our pastor, who LOVES to talk about God's amazing grace, said something that I felt was a very parrallell and visual representation of what I am thinking. GOD welcomes EVERYONE. No matter your past. His Grace covers everyone. He brings life to the dead and forgotten. He brings BEAUTY from ashes. He does what humans can not envision.
I thought of this house immediately. The process of restoring this house could be an entire year's worth of a devotion book. The stuff you would find behind the walls once you rip them down, the beauty that is there but covered up by filth of years and years of neglect. The uncovering of something SO cool you didn't even imagine it could be that cool.
Spiritually, I see it. I see this house on the outside. It's gross. But, I am on the outside looking in to something that I KNOW could be amazing. Like, people who are "so far gone". I am on the outside. I can see how God could restore you and use you as a beautiful tool to expand His kingdom!!!A marriage that has been unkempt for years. I am on the outside. I can SEE the vision of the beauty that COULD BE a beautifully restored marriage that gives HOPE to this crappy world. I SEE the vision of how great our world could be after this shitty pandemic that is on the outside RUINING everything. Maybe it is restoring what really matters. FIRES. Wild fires. Terrible. Tragic. BUT, they bring NEW LIFE. And an incredible beauty. I LOVE good redemption stories. Love.
This may seem dumb. But, I am wondering if this is why I have been so fixated on this kinda crappy house. Because, at a time in life when everything SUCKS, there is still this glimmer of hope. If we are believers and place all of our hope and all of our life in the hands of God, we can not help but see that glimmer. Behind the walls of darkness, you see that sparkle of life that will keep you going. I can NOT quit and hide when I know to just push forward will bring great reward and great beauty.
Now, good chance nothing will come of this house. It is sort of out of our reach at this point. We are so truly and honestly happy where we are. I mean, I would be jealous of the person who bought our house if we sold it. BUT, it has been fun to see it. To envision "WHAT COULD BE". It has distracted me from the heartbreaking shit storm that I see every day.
I am thankful that God has allowed me to dream without being ungrateful for what I have in the present. To hope without disappointment. To SEE without being blinded. It's been fun. I do honestly pray that house and that property gets the chance to be "BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE".
